1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:28,854
- Isn't this beautiful?

4
00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:31,031
This is where I got
married many years ago,

5
00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:36,079
where my married life began
and all my hopes and dreams

6
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:38,951
for what marriage
was gonna bring me,

7
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:43,956
which would include children,
a happy family life,

8
00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:47,612
and eventually growing
old with my husband.

9
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:50,093
He was the man of my dreams.

10
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,878
It was the hottest
day of the year.

11
00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,793
Everybody was drenched.

12
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:57,970
It was an intimate wedding.

13
00:00:58,014 --> 00:01:01,365
There were 45 people,
closest friends and family.

14
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:04,412
And I just remember
the day I got married,

15
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,066
I was just so nervous.

16
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:09,373
I had this nervous energy
where I couldn't sit still.

17
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:12,942
And I remember going for
lunch with my maid of honor.

18
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:14,596
I'd sit and I'd eat a little bit

19
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:15,834
and then I'd get up and I'd pace

20
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:18,382
and I just couldn't sit still.

21
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,297
And then we arrived here.

22
00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:25,259
I got out of the car and
my garter fell off my leg.

23
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:27,478
And my son who was
eight at the time,

24
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:30,525
picked it up off the
ground and handed it to me.

25
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:33,005
And at that moment,
somebody grabbed a picture.

26
00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:38,924
From that point on, all the
nerves just fell by the wayside

27
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,709
and we all just
started laughing.

28
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:45,061
I was completely relaxed,

29
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:48,020
ready to move forward
with the marriage

30
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,631
and marry the man of my dreams.

31
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,677
My son gave me away.

32
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:54,288
And when I walked
down the aisle,

33
00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:58,292
I could just feel the love
oozing from everybody.

34
00:01:58,335 --> 00:02:02,731
And we got married on the
hottest day of that year.

35
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:10,130
So now here I am,
many years later,

36
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:15,047
a separated woman, producing
a documentary on separation.

37
00:02:16,092 --> 00:02:17,311
Who would have ever thought?

38
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:08,579
- For me at the time, he
was an excellent husband.

39
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,668
And looking back as well,

40
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:15,717
I'm extremely grateful for the
happiness I had and the love,

41
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:19,416
because if you haven't lived it,

42
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:24,465
I don't think you realize the
impact of that sudden loss.

43
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:30,253
In one sense, it's like
a death because you know,

44
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:34,257
things have severed
so, so quickly, yeah.

45
00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:36,955
- I had a great
life on the outside.

46
00:03:36,999 --> 00:03:39,306
We had, you know, the
big house, all the cars,

47
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:42,526
the cottage and even him,

48
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,225
like people would look at me
like, what else do you want?

49
00:03:45,268 --> 00:03:46,487
What else do you want?

50
00:03:46,530 --> 00:03:50,621
Well, I wanted the
stuff that our money

51
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,710
or his money or
anything couldn't buy,

52
00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:56,845
like just the connection and
the friendship, the respect.

53
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:06,158
- I really tried my best
to be an excellent wife.

54
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:10,554
You know, I was very
appreciative every day.

55
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,687
I loved my husband.

56
00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:16,560
I tried to support him
and I just couldn't be

57
00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:19,302
who he wanted me
to be in the end.

58
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:22,262
I just couldn't go, you know,

59
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:26,570
to that place because I knew
if I went to that place,

60
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:31,619
then that would be
taking my soul away.

61
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:33,577
And I didn't wanna do that.

62
00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:36,232
I didn't wanna
sacrifice because I...

63
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,669
I didn't wanna
sacrifice my happiness

64
00:04:38,713 --> 00:04:43,718
and what was important
to me for the marriage.

65
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,552
- My life was beautiful.

66
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:54,381
Big, beautiful house,
beautiful backyard,

67
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:59,211
full of gardens that I
constantly was working in.

68
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:02,345
Lots of friends around all
the time. Lots of family.

69
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,870
Lots of kids running
around because

70
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:09,874
all the kids wanted to be
at our house with my kids.

71
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:14,139
We traveled a lot and
we always took the kids

72
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:15,576
because we loved their company.

73
00:05:17,229 --> 00:05:18,405
It was a great life.

74
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,975
- I was not gonna be the
girl to get separated.

75
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:27,457
We had a solid marriage.
We were the perfect couple.

76
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:28,695
And when I walked
down the aisle,

77
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:31,766
I thought, "I'm
marrying the right guy."

78
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:38,686
- My life as a military wife
was one that I truly enjoyed.

79
00:05:39,861 --> 00:05:42,080
Some people would
find it very stressful

80
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:44,213
moving every two to three years,

81
00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:47,390
but we looked it on
as a new adventure.

82
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,524
So I really enjoyed
the military lifestyle.

83
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:53,091
As a military wife,

84
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:56,747
I think probably the
main thing I gave up was

85
00:05:56,791 --> 00:06:01,709
focusing on my career, but in
regards to everything else,

86
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:06,409
really my childhood dream
was to be happily married

87
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:07,628
with a family.

88
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,935
So as a military wife,
I still had that.

89
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:15,940
So I didn't see it as giving
up really much of anything.

90
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,421
- He was born in
Europe and lived there

91
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,118
til he was about 15 years old

92
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:21,903
and was nine years
older than me.

93
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:27,169
I didn't perceive any
major cultural differences

94
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,407
at the time that we got married.

95
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,954
My parents were a
lot more concerned

96
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,479
about the age difference,
that didn't concern me either.

97
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:37,527
But once we had children, all
of these personal differences,

98
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:40,593
what I perceived at the time
to be cultural differences

99
00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,489
just started to manifest

100
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:45,448
and all the difficulties
of having a newborn baby.

101
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:48,495
His ability to deal
with the sleeplessness.

102
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:50,192
His mother had also passed away

103
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,150
when I was pregnant
with my daughter.

104
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:54,152
I think he had some
depression there

105
00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:55,458
that he hadn't dealt with.

106
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:58,592
So there were a lot of
factors that went into

107
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:01,899
my really feeling that there
were cracks in the marriage,

108
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:03,814
by the time I was in the
middle of my pregnancy

109
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,120
with our first child.

110
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:07,165
- In that last year
we identified probably

111
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:09,559
three or four times that this
was it, like this was it.

112
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,300
- Were there red flags?

113
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,479
For sure, there were red
flags, lots of red flags.

114
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:21,353
Part of me, thought I could
fix them. Change them.

115
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,401
Part of me was naive to them.

116
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:29,797
And part of me overlooked them.

117
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,714
But for sure, there
were lots of red flags

118
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:34,976
before we got married.

119
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:39,371
- In hindsight, there's
always red flags.

120
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:42,853
At the time, we just, you know,

121
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:46,596
you seem like you're
bulletproof, you can fix it,

122
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,990
or you can move
through it, or...

123
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:53,734
But ultimately there were
a few things absolutely

124
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:58,173
that maybe should have
stopped us in our tracks

125
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,610
or put a little bit of focus on

126
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,570
to work out a few things, yeah.

127
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:08,183
- I mean, say, I think with
2020 hindsight and looking back,

128
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:13,231
you can always find signs, but
when you're in the situation,

129
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:18,149
you're happy and you feel
that things are great.

130
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,717
Then there were no red flags.

131
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:23,328
- I was making excuses
for my spouse a lot.

132
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:27,202
So if I showed up at a family
party and he didn't come,

133
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,596
or he showed up in his
own car two hours late

134
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:33,208
and left a few hours early,
I would often get, you know,

135
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:35,079
sideways glances from my parents

136
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:36,820
or my sister or
my brother-in-law.

137
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:39,519
And I would always
offer excuses for him.

138
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:42,391
You know, there's a tipping
point where you start to say,

139
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:45,220
"Wait a minute, how much
of my time am I spending

140
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,483
making excuses for my spouse?

141
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,704
And at what point is
it not okay for me?

142
00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:52,923
You know, is this not a
good marriage for me?"

143
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,795
And especially with
having children,

144
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:58,233
I think we all have a lot of
conversations within ourselves

145
00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:01,062
where we say, "You know,
is it really that bad?

146
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:03,020
Can we keep the
marriage together?"

147
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:06,589
I stayed a solid seven years
longer than the first moment

148
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:10,288
that my gut told me that
this was not a good person

149
00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:11,333
for me to be with.

150
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,858
One evening, getting
very close to the time

151
00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:16,512
that I moved out,

152
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,689
we were in his car and we
were driving to a party.

153
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,909
I don't really remember
what it was for.

154
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,172
I didn't feel like going.

155
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,956
I didn't feel like
pretending that

156
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,437
my husband and I
were still happy.

157
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:32,180
And we got into a
fight in the car

158
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:37,054
where he threatened to take
full custody of the kids.

159
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,709
But I became
hysterical in the car.

160
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:44,758
I've never had a
fit of screaming or
crying ever in my life

161
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:48,631
to match what
happened in that car.

162
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,678
- That beautiful sunny
Sunday afternoon,

163
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:55,507
when I sense my
husband's quietness,

164
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:59,642
I approached him lovingly
and said, "Please tell me,

165
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:03,254
you seem stressed,
what's the problem?"

166
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:07,955
And then he said, "Just
leave me. It'll pass."

167
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:11,001
So that then tweaked
my interest and I said,

168
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:13,351
"What will pass?"

169
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,658
And he said, "No,
just leave it."

170
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,921
So I pulled out a chair,

171
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:20,924
sat down at the table
beside him and said,

172
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,623
"I am your wife.
So please tell me."

173
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:28,453
And as I waited,
how was I to know

174
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,586
that in the next few moments,

175
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,936
my world would
come crashing down.

176
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:34,721
As I heard him say,

177
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:39,160
"I can only be 100%
happy if I'm with a man."

178
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:44,165
After he uttered
those words, I think,

179
00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:48,560
my whole world just shattered.

180
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:51,955
I totally thought, my
first thoughts were,

181
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:55,829
"What does this mean?
What can this mean?"

182
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:59,310
And after that, it just,

183
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:02,226
my world was spinning
out of control.

184
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:05,708
- I think was our
big, last blow up

185
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:10,757
where ugly words were
said, and words hurt

186
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,498
and you can't take words back.

187
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:18,547
And at the time, all my words
were focused around the kids,

188
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,897
like what they were witnessing,

189
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,813
what they were seeing, the
energy that they were feeling.

190
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:27,904
And my eldest was in her final,

191
00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:29,732
going into her final
year of high school.

192
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:33,214
And I know the younger
kids were asleep,

193
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:37,827
but I went into her room
after kind of the blow up

194
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:38,871
and,

195
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:48,272
sorry, she heard everything.

196
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:51,711
And she just kinda looked
at me and said, "Why?"

197
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:56,933
In that moment, I knew
that I couldn't continue

198
00:11:58,805 --> 00:11:59,893
the way we were.

199
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,590
We couldn't continue
the way we were

200
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:06,638
and send her off to university
into the world as a woman

201
00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:09,554
and say that this kind of stuff,

202
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:12,775
this is what a
relationship looks like.

203
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,255
This is what a
marriage looks like.

204
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:18,868
This is what normal is,
'cause it wasn't. It wasn't.

205
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,698
So that was the day I moved
to a different bedroom.

206
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,880
- I found out on Christmas day

207
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:33,840
that he had been
having an affair.

208
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:38,018
He left his email open and
there was an email that said,

209
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:42,065
to her, "I'm love struck by
you, Merry Christmas, babe."

210
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,807
I went downstairs.
I called him up.

211
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:48,463
This is five minutes before
my family was coming over.

212
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:51,379
And I was putting on this
big Christmas dinner.

213
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:54,991
And I sat in the foyer
just ready for my parents.

214
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,559
And I said, "I saw the note."

215
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:01,519
And he fell to the
floor and he went, "Oh."

216
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,957
He says, "I really
have a problem."

217
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,436
I said, "Yeah, you do."

218
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,310
Have I shared my darkest day?

219
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:14,184
Possibly. I think with my mom,
after some time had gone by.

220
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:19,233
My dad too, but it was really
more heartfelt telling my mom

221
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:24,847
because she suffered too,
through the separation.

222
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:29,286
She looked so up to my ex that

223
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:31,985
it affected her
health wise as well.

224
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:36,946
- I was working on my marriage

225
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:40,863
because I wanted my children
to grow up in a household

226
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,387
with two parents and
create traditions for them

227
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:46,173
and not want them to
have to go back and forth

228
00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:47,827
to two households.

229
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:51,482
So I tried to be the glue
to keep the family together.

230
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:54,224
I basically stayed
in the marriage

231
00:13:55,530 --> 00:14:00,143
for 10 years longer
than I should have.

232
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:04,669
- I did try to keep
my marriage intact

233
00:14:04,713 --> 00:14:07,890
from about the second
year that we were married.

234
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,937
And this was still several
years before we had children.

235
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,896
I had started to
see some discord,

236
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,942
not a huge amount of discord.

237
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,901
Nothing that was a
huge moral issue,

238
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:23,340
but really the details of
everyday life, kind of issues.

239
00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:26,996
And I asked him if
he would be willing

240
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,999
to see a marriage
counselor, he wasn't.

241
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:33,873
Once we had kids and some
of the problems got bigger,

242
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,918
we did end up seeing
a marriage counselor,

243
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:40,923
which we saw for, I would
say at least five years.

244
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:43,119
And it was a private counselor.

245
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:45,710
So it was quite an
expensive process.

246
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:48,713
So yeah, I feel like
I made every attempt

247
00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:50,628
to keep the marriage together

248
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:54,284
and solve the disconnect
that was happening.

249
00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:58,680
- I think he felt we
needed to go for therapy.

250
00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:02,379
I was angry because I didn't,

251
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:07,210
I just was not very receptive
because I was still thinking,

252
00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:10,953
this should not be happening
if we were so happy.

253
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:15,001
Why are you basically
messing this all up?

254
00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:18,265
- Before we got separated,
yes, we went to therapy.

255
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:21,050
It was a weekend. I would
like to call it a bootcamp.

256
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,965
It's an organization
called Retrouvaille

257
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,409
and everything had
gone really well.

258
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:26,055
We were solid for two months

259
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:28,318
and I thought I would
save my marriage.

260
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:32,061
I became a Stepford wife
is the best way to say it.

261
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:34,107
I just turned myself around

262
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:37,719
and I became something
that I'm not.

263
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,679
I was the perfect mom,
but I always felt I was,

264
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,507
but I became the perfect wife.

265
00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:46,510
- Years before we
actually separated.

266
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:49,600
You know, we'd had several
bouts of counseling.

267
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:53,517
I initiated, you know, when
things would come to a head

268
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:56,956
and built up explosion,

269
00:15:56,999 --> 00:16:01,438
we would go to counseling
for several sessions.

270
00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:08,706
Some of it effective, some
of it less than effective.

271
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:13,755
Some of it, unfortunately
would just open things up raw.

272
00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:17,106
And then they stayed that way,

273
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,805
you know, we didn't finish
the process of the healing

274
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,024
and moving through it.

275
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:23,784
Throughout it, I was
willing to do anything.

276
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:28,422
It just came to, it just
got to the final straw.

277
00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:31,903
- We hadn't been getting
along for about six months.

278
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:35,081
And one night he
told my daughter

279
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:40,129
that he was leaving us and
going to live with his aunt.

280
00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:43,437
And she came downstairs
in tears saying

281
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,092
"Dad is going to leave us."

282
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:48,007
And I couldn't believe
that he was telling this

283
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:52,098
to his daughter and not
discussing it with me.

284
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,187
And I went upstairs and I said,

285
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:57,668
"You told our daughter,
you were leaving us.

286
00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:59,496
Is that true?"

287
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,672
And he said, "Yes."

288
00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:04,849
And I said, "Well, if you're
leaving, get out now."

289
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,157
And he wouldn't leave.

290
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:12,205
And a few hours later, I
was still at him to leave

291
00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:14,598
and was getting
quite angry at him.

292
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:19,386
And unfortunately, I started
throwing some things at him

293
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:22,519
and told him to get
out and he left.

294
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,219
- It was Sunday, December 4th.

295
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:30,092
We had just celebrated my
son's birthday the day before.

296
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:35,097
And I was in the kitchen and
he seemed to be really on edge.

297
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,360
And I said, "Is
everything okay?"

298
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,971
He said, "No, it's not."

299
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:42,670
And I said, "Well,
what's wrong?"

300
00:17:42,713 --> 00:17:44,585
And he says, "I'm not happy."

301
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:47,196
I looked at the time
because I thought

302
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,894
this is gonna be something
that I'll never forget.

303
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,158
And I asked him to
go to the family room

304
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:56,118
and we sat down and I said,
"Are you in love with me?"

305
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:59,165
He goes, "I love you, but
I'm not in love with you."

306
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:03,517
And I thought, "Oh
my God, here we are.

307
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,259
This is not supposed
to happen in my life."

308
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:08,261
And I said, "Well, what
is it that you want?"

309
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:09,610
And he said,

310
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:12,178
"I wanna come home to a
wife and a normal child.

311
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,833
I want a normal child."

312
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:19,446
My son has been
diagnosed with dyspraxia.

313
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:21,535
That's what they call
it in other countries.

314
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,059
In Canada, they call it DCD,

315
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,279
developmental
coordination disorder.

316
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,716
So it affects gross motor,

317
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:32,111
it affects fine
motor and oral motor.

318
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,504
He didn't play hockey.
He didn't play soccer.

319
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:38,856
He was not the boy that
my ex envisioned to have.

320
00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:43,948
Cognitively,

321
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:47,474
I guess you could say he's
on par with other kids.

322
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:49,911
I just treat him
like a regular kid.

323
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:55,134
Funny enough with fine
motor, I put him into piano,

324
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:58,267
little did I know,
my son has a near,

325
00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:03,229
he plays Beethoven on his piano,
plays AC/DC on his guitar.

326
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,164
And recently he says,
"Mom, I wanna play drums."

327
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:10,888
He's very musically talented,
but his father would say,

328
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:14,892
"But he can't skate. And
he can't play soccer.

329
00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:20,463
He takes too much
after you, the arts."

330
00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:23,379
Look at mommy, do
you like the guitar?

331
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:24,293
- Yeah.

332
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:25,860
- Yeah.
- This fun.

333
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:27,209
- It's fun?
- Yeah.

334
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:31,866
- I think my darkest
day after the separation

335
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:35,304
was the first morning
that I woke up.

336
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,137
That was really hard.
It's really hard to...

337
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:47,273
I can't believe it,
it's still so powerful,

338
00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:52,147
but I just remember looking
at the bed next to me

339
00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:56,978
thinking he's not there.

340
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:01,200
You know and then the
days that followed,

341
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:05,769
waking up every morning
and seeing he's not there,

342
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:12,211
I think those were really
dark days. You know?

343
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:15,755
How do you get
through that? Right?

344
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,913
It's pretty devastating
when, you know,

345
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:21,307
especially again,
because he wasn't a jerk.

346
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:25,398
He wasn't someone I
wanted out of my life,

347
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:28,401
I loved him dearly
and he was gone.

348
00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:31,360
And I guess the physicality
of that, you know,

349
00:20:31,404 --> 00:20:35,495
that he was gone was
really devastating.

350
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:41,370
- When my ex decided
he was gonna leave,

351
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:44,678
I went and did research
on the internet.

352
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,289
"How to tell your child,
you're going to separate."

353
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:51,685
When I told my ex we
have to sit Cole down,

354
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,644
he said, "He is not
going to understand.

355
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,429
He is not gonna get it."

356
00:20:57,952 --> 00:21:02,348
So we went into the family
room and my ex said,

357
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:05,307
"Daddy needs to go away
and find his own place."

358
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:08,528
"Why? Why do you
need to do that?"

359
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:10,486
I thought "Good for you kid."

360
00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,273
"Well, when are you
gonna come back?

361
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:16,275
When are you gonna be
my dad and come back?"

362
00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:23,717
The day that my ex left,

363
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,762
that afternoon
after he had gone,

364
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:29,810
Cole had a problem
with his video games.

365
00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:33,335
He says, "I need, I
need, I need daddy here.

366
00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:34,858
Something's gone
wrong I wanna play."

367
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,297
And I said, "Cole,
Daddy is gone."

368
00:21:39,776 --> 00:21:44,390
And he just broke down and
cried like, oh, breaks my heart.

369
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,349
And my sisters were there.

370
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:50,918
Then they had to leave the
room because they were crying.

371
00:21:54,051 --> 00:21:59,013
And Cole came up to me and he
put his hands on my cheeks.

372
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,496
And he said, "I'm now
the man of the house,

373
00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:07,587
I'll take care of you."

374
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,330
- So how we broke the
news to our daughters

375
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:15,377
about the separation
is my one daughter

376
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:17,118
was still living at home.

377
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:20,426
And so we just told
her in the living room,

378
00:22:20,469 --> 00:22:22,166
what was going to happen.

379
00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:25,387
And then my other daughter had
already left for university.

380
00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:27,084
So we actually Skyped her.

381
00:22:27,128 --> 00:22:29,173
And she thought,
because we said,

382
00:22:29,217 --> 00:22:30,542
you know, "We have
bad news for you."

383
00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:32,351
She thought grandma
had died or something.

384
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:33,961
So she was crying.

385
00:22:34,004 --> 00:22:36,267
And then when she found it
that it was our separation,

386
00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:39,445
she was like, "Oh,
I'm okay."

387
00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:42,099
So, and then the first
thing that she said was,

388
00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:44,972
"Well, we know who the dog
is gonna live with."

389
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:48,062
So that's the first
thing that she said.

390
00:22:48,105 --> 00:22:51,239
And it's funny because my
dog is very attached to me.

391
00:22:51,282 --> 00:22:55,548
So we knew that the dog
would be staying with me.

392
00:22:55,591 --> 00:22:57,985
- So in regards to
telling the kids,

393
00:22:58,028 --> 00:23:01,292
we did not tell them either
that we were gonna separate

394
00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:04,383
or that their dad was gay
until about two months

395
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:06,559
after his disclosure.

396
00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:10,737
Initially, my husband
told our son alone

397
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:15,002
that he was gonna be
leaving and that he was gay.

398
00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:20,050
And that upset me because I
really felt that we should have,

399
00:23:21,269 --> 00:23:22,725
you know, they should
have been told together

400
00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:25,926
as with the four of
us as a family unit.

401
00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:28,450
But then when they came back,

402
00:23:28,494 --> 00:23:33,455
my son and his
dad, from speaking,

403
00:23:33,499 --> 00:23:35,370
then my husband told me that

404
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:38,504
he was now going to
tell our daughter.

405
00:23:38,547 --> 00:23:41,245
So I followed him downstairs

406
00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:44,292
to where our daughter
was watching TV.

407
00:23:44,335 --> 00:23:48,165
And that's when he told them
both that he would be leaving

408
00:23:48,209 --> 00:23:49,906
and he was gay.

409
00:23:49,950 --> 00:23:54,563
So, we basically all ended
up crying together, yeah.

410
00:24:01,701 --> 00:24:03,964
- I have a total
of three siblings,

411
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:06,445
two brothers and one sister.

412
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:10,274
At the time they would
have been 11, nine and two.

413
00:24:10,318 --> 00:24:11,711
Being the oldest,

414
00:24:11,754 --> 00:24:14,409
I felt like I had to be
in a way, a father figure.

415
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:17,499
So I had a lot of
feelings of protection,

416
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:19,501
especially with my
younger siblings,

417
00:24:19,545 --> 00:24:24,419
as well as a lot of anger
and a lot of depression,

418
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:26,726
I could say, I wouldn't
say being upset,

419
00:24:26,769 --> 00:24:31,774
but it was more of
a monkey on my back.

420
00:24:33,994 --> 00:24:35,474
So I would like
to say depression.

421
00:24:35,517 --> 00:24:38,520
It was more of a
depressing time for me.

422
00:24:39,652 --> 00:24:41,523
- My mother had called
me into her room

423
00:24:42,524 --> 00:24:47,486
and she then spoke very
frankly and said that,

424
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:54,057
she and my father had separated.

425
00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:03,893
And she had packaged
that information with

426
00:25:12,032 --> 00:25:13,642
other things.

427
00:25:13,686 --> 00:25:18,081
Other things that she had
felt was a burden to know

428
00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:21,737
that she needed to share.

429
00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:26,742
It didn't feel as
though anything changed.

430
00:25:30,224 --> 00:25:34,097
He just wasn't around anymore.

431
00:25:34,141 --> 00:25:39,146
But his absence
didn't leave a void.

432
00:25:40,887 --> 00:25:43,454
- Colette didn't tell
us about her separation

433
00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:45,108
at the time it occurred.

434
00:25:45,152 --> 00:25:47,589
We had just arrived
from Florida.

435
00:25:47,633 --> 00:25:52,638
And we got a phone call
saying that her ex had left.

436
00:25:55,249 --> 00:25:58,644
Didn't quite know no more
information than that,

437
00:25:58,687 --> 00:26:01,298
but that they would be over
in the next day or two.

438
00:26:02,691 --> 00:26:06,129
Both of them arrived
in separate cars,

439
00:26:07,653 --> 00:26:09,698
which kind of made us
wonder what was going on.

440
00:26:09,742 --> 00:26:10,960
They came in the house

441
00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:16,923
and we heard what to
us, was a horror story.

442
00:26:18,228 --> 00:26:21,623
I remember thinking to myself,

443
00:26:21,667 --> 00:26:24,147
"Good Lord. This
is embarrassing.

444
00:26:24,191 --> 00:26:28,674
This is the second failed
marriage in our family,

445
00:26:28,717 --> 00:26:30,676
in less than a year."

446
00:26:30,719 --> 00:26:35,724
We had one daughter that a
year earlier who had separated,

447
00:26:36,725 --> 00:26:38,640
but there were no
children involved.

448
00:26:38,684 --> 00:26:43,123
Colette's situation was
difficult in the sense that

449
00:26:43,166 --> 00:26:47,606
there was a child involved,
especially with special needs.

450
00:26:47,649 --> 00:26:52,611
We really have to think about
where do we go from here?

451
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:56,963
- I lost friends,
mostly his friends,

452
00:26:57,006 --> 00:27:00,183
really nice people,
really nice people.

453
00:27:00,227 --> 00:27:02,925
I went to a group called
Separation Anonymous.

454
00:27:02,969 --> 00:27:04,666
And the first thing
they said was,

455
00:27:04,710 --> 00:27:08,452
"You will lose approximately
eight friends."

456
00:27:08,496 --> 00:27:13,501
Isn't it funny that I lost
eight friends, his friends,

457
00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:16,262
but if I ran into them,
they would hug me and say,

458
00:27:16,286 --> 00:27:18,114
"How are you? We
think about you."

459
00:27:20,464 --> 00:27:23,685
But then what I also realized
is that my close friends,

460
00:27:24,730 --> 00:27:26,645
they weren't there for me.

461
00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:31,432
Friends who I knew kind
of outside were the ones.

462
00:27:31,475 --> 00:27:35,262
Family didn't call me,
extended family didn't call me.

463
00:27:35,305 --> 00:27:36,872
"How are you?"

464
00:27:36,916 --> 00:27:41,268
Not that I'm pitying myself,
but just a phone call to say,

465
00:27:41,311 --> 00:27:43,749
"How are you," would be nice.

466
00:27:43,792 --> 00:27:46,316
And when you don't get that,

467
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:49,145
that's why I went to
Separation Anonymous because

468
00:27:49,189 --> 00:27:52,018
I was in a group with people
going through the same thing.

469
00:27:52,061 --> 00:27:55,804
And our homework was to
call people in our group

470
00:27:55,848 --> 00:27:57,806
and vent and swear

471
00:27:57,850 --> 00:28:01,592
and everybody had the
same goal, separation,

472
00:28:01,636 --> 00:28:03,725
but all the stories
and the walks of life

473
00:28:03,769 --> 00:28:07,990
and people of different
faiths and, you know,

474
00:28:08,034 --> 00:28:11,777
a diverse group of people,
all have the same goal,

475
00:28:11,820 --> 00:28:15,302
but going through so
much crap, men and women.

476
00:28:15,345 --> 00:28:16,651
- Once we separated,

477
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:19,262
I let the community know
by sending out an email

478
00:28:19,306 --> 00:28:22,875
because I knew everyone would
be talking and gossiping.

479
00:28:22,918 --> 00:28:26,443
I found out he was
living with my friend,

480
00:28:27,749 --> 00:28:32,058
from my daughter who came home
one day and she was crying.

481
00:28:33,624 --> 00:28:38,020
And she said, "You'll never
guess who dad is dating."

482
00:28:39,718 --> 00:28:41,807
And right away, I
said, my friend's name.

483
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:48,161
- The last thing we did
as a family together

484
00:28:48,204 --> 00:28:50,859
was Thanksgiving dinner.

485
00:28:50,903 --> 00:28:54,036
We sat around that
dining room table.

486
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,995
It was difficult to give thanks

487
00:28:56,038 --> 00:29:00,260
because everything that
we had known as a family,

488
00:29:00,303 --> 00:29:05,091
all those happy times was now
very strained and stressful.

489
00:29:06,353 --> 00:29:10,836
So it was our very last
family dinner together.

490
00:29:12,098 --> 00:29:15,754
And even now, all
these years later,

491
00:29:15,797 --> 00:29:18,887
Thanksgiving Day
is still a reminder

492
00:29:18,931 --> 00:29:23,936
of what happened on that
difficult Thanksgiving Day.

493
00:29:25,111 --> 00:29:27,809
- I'm always going
to bed afraid.

494
00:29:27,853 --> 00:29:29,419
I'm afraid for my son,

495
00:29:29,463 --> 00:29:31,770
that he's not gonna
get the therapy

496
00:29:31,813 --> 00:29:35,861
that he should be getting
and he's regressing already.

497
00:29:35,904 --> 00:29:40,909
I fear that I'm not going to
get the support that I deserve

498
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:46,001
and I lose sleep, gained weight.

499
00:29:49,396 --> 00:29:50,963
It's absolute hell.

500
00:29:51,006 --> 00:29:52,355
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

501
00:29:52,399 --> 00:29:56,011
And people at
work, don't get it.

502
00:29:56,055 --> 00:29:58,971
Half of them don't even have
kids, so they wouldn't get it.

503
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:06,979
- I had the tunes
on, in the car,

504
00:30:07,022 --> 00:30:09,895
and I was just
starting to feel good

505
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:13,637
about the direction we were
going after my ex had left.

506
00:30:13,681 --> 00:30:15,683
And I'm driving along,
not too far from home

507
00:30:15,726 --> 00:30:18,033
and all of a sudden
my phone pings.

508
00:30:19,208 --> 00:30:24,213
So I pull into my
driveway, read the text.

509
00:30:28,043 --> 00:30:29,131
Oh my God.

510
00:30:29,175 --> 00:30:31,873
It was from the
bank manager saying

511
00:30:31,917 --> 00:30:35,398
that I needed to come see her

512
00:30:36,965 --> 00:30:40,229
because I was basically on
the hook for line of credit,

513
00:30:40,273 --> 00:30:41,883
that I had signed for.

514
00:30:41,927 --> 00:30:44,538
My ex had put some
paperwork in front of me,

515
00:30:44,581 --> 00:30:46,148
that stupidly I didn't read.

516
00:30:47,323 --> 00:30:49,456
And then on top of
that, unbeknownst to me,

517
00:30:50,805 --> 00:30:52,241
the house was in arrears.

518
00:30:52,285 --> 00:30:55,897
So now I was on the hook
for thousands of dollars

519
00:30:55,941 --> 00:30:57,899
because I trusted my ex.

520
00:30:57,943 --> 00:30:59,335
Shit!

521
00:30:59,379 --> 00:31:00,728
Shit!

522
00:31:00,771 --> 00:31:01,771
Shit!

523
00:31:03,078 --> 00:31:07,256
Here I go again into that
paralyzing state of fear,

524
00:31:07,300 --> 00:31:08,692
intense fear.

525
00:31:11,086 --> 00:31:12,958
So, often through this ordeal,

526
00:31:13,001 --> 00:31:17,005
one of my greatest fears
was that my daughter and I

527
00:31:17,049 --> 00:31:19,051
would end up homeless.

528
00:31:19,094 --> 00:31:21,749
No.

529
00:31:23,142 --> 00:31:25,971
And I thought, how the hell

530
00:31:26,014 --> 00:31:27,842
am I gonna get us
through this now?

531
00:31:31,237 --> 00:31:34,370
- One of the things that
really upset me with,

532
00:31:34,414 --> 00:31:38,461
in a conversation
with Colette's ex was

533
00:31:38,505 --> 00:31:41,073
"Oh, this is going to
be a walk in the park.

534
00:31:41,116 --> 00:31:42,988
She'll do what I say."

535
00:31:44,424 --> 00:31:49,255
And that just infuriated me

536
00:31:49,298 --> 00:31:53,259
and the papa bear
claws came out.

537
00:31:53,302 --> 00:31:57,872
And I was committed
to making sure that

538
00:31:59,047 --> 00:32:03,225
this was going to
be a fair divorce

539
00:32:03,269 --> 00:32:05,880
if that's where it was going.

540
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:10,624
Her responsibility was
her son, my grandson.

541
00:32:10,667 --> 00:32:13,105
Her ex had indicated
I'll make the money.

542
00:32:13,148 --> 00:32:14,367
You take care of him.

543
00:32:15,890 --> 00:32:19,938
She had little or no knowledge
of where the money came,

544
00:32:19,981 --> 00:32:22,070
where the money came from.

545
00:32:22,114 --> 00:32:24,681
Other than a little
part-time job she had,

546
00:32:24,725 --> 00:32:28,990
which was great to have
her foot in something,

547
00:32:29,034 --> 00:32:31,775
but it wasn't gonna be enough.

548
00:32:31,819 --> 00:32:34,343
And then we went
off to see a lawyer.

549
00:32:34,387 --> 00:32:37,129
- So, financially, when
we first separated,

550
00:32:37,172 --> 00:32:38,652
it was status quo.

551
00:32:38,695 --> 00:32:43,091
He moved out and rented just
around the corner from us

552
00:32:43,135 --> 00:32:44,223
and I stayed.

553
00:32:44,266 --> 00:32:46,138
So I was still
primary caregiver that

554
00:32:46,181 --> 00:32:49,054
none of my cards were cut off,
there was nothing dramatic.

555
00:32:49,097 --> 00:32:50,577
- When my husband left,

556
00:32:50,620 --> 00:32:54,581
he basically walked
out on his family

557
00:32:54,624 --> 00:32:58,019
and didn't think he
had to give us a cent.

558
00:32:58,063 --> 00:33:00,848
My daughter get up one morning
and there was no hot water

559
00:33:00,891 --> 00:33:04,591
for her shower and she
was going to school.

560
00:33:04,634 --> 00:33:06,680
And then we realized
the oil tank was empty.

561
00:33:06,723 --> 00:33:08,073
And when I called
the oil company,

562
00:33:08,116 --> 00:33:10,031
they said that my
husband had called

563
00:33:10,075 --> 00:33:12,599
and stopped the deliveries.

564
00:33:12,642 --> 00:33:16,690
I survived because of my family

565
00:33:16,733 --> 00:33:21,738
and wonderful friends
who gave me money.

566
00:33:23,305 --> 00:33:25,742
They didn't lend
me money because

567
00:33:25,786 --> 00:33:28,093
I didn't know how I
could ever repay them.

568
00:33:28,136 --> 00:33:30,095
I wasn't able to
pay the mortgage,

569
00:33:30,138 --> 00:33:34,490
but I was able to
put oil in the tank

570
00:33:34,534 --> 00:33:37,798
and have heat in the house
and pay the power bill

571
00:33:39,669 --> 00:33:41,410
and buy groceries.

572
00:33:41,454 --> 00:33:44,500
But I wasn't able to
pay the mortgage. No.

573
00:33:44,544 --> 00:33:49,549
- My mother was not in a good
relationship with my father.

574
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,031
So they had a very
contentious relationship

575
00:33:53,074 --> 00:33:54,336
and they are Sicilian,

576
00:33:54,380 --> 00:33:57,818
so they used to yell at
each other all the time.

577
00:33:57,861 --> 00:34:00,255
And I just remember
saying to my mom, like,

578
00:34:00,299 --> 00:34:02,214
"Why? Why don't
you guys split up?

579
00:34:02,257 --> 00:34:06,479
Because this is really
not a good relationship."

580
00:34:06,522 --> 00:34:08,481
And she said, "Where
am I gonna go?

581
00:34:08,524 --> 00:34:11,136
You know, I'm Sicilian
with, you know,

582
00:34:11,179 --> 00:34:15,444
a grade six education,
I barely speak English.

583
00:34:15,488 --> 00:34:19,187
So I can't afford to feed
four kids and, you know,

584
00:34:19,231 --> 00:34:20,710
take care of four kids."

585
00:34:20,754 --> 00:34:23,626
And so she really felt
trapped in her marriage.

586
00:34:23,670 --> 00:34:26,542
And I remember
thinking at that time,

587
00:34:26,586 --> 00:34:28,196
because I was a
teenager at that time,

588
00:34:28,240 --> 00:34:30,807
when she said that
to me and I thought,

589
00:34:30,851 --> 00:34:32,809
"That's never gonna be me.

590
00:34:32,853 --> 00:34:34,376
That's never gonna be."

591
00:34:34,420 --> 00:34:37,684
- It was very hard integrating
back into a full-time job

592
00:34:37,727 --> 00:34:39,294
after freelancing at home

593
00:34:39,338 --> 00:34:41,949
and being at home
full-time with my kids.

594
00:34:41,992 --> 00:34:44,604
I didn't have a nanny or any
other help with my children.

595
00:34:44,647 --> 00:34:48,129
And within about a
six month period,

596
00:34:48,173 --> 00:34:51,176
I had gone from
being a seven year

597
00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:53,091
stay home, freelancing mom,

598
00:34:53,134 --> 00:34:56,224
to somebody who was
out of the home,

599
00:34:56,268 --> 00:34:58,313
in a full-time job schedule,

600
00:34:58,357 --> 00:35:02,143
also separated from my
children two weeks a month.

601
00:35:02,187 --> 00:35:03,840
And my youngest was five.

602
00:35:03,884 --> 00:35:06,147
I actually found it
that I went through

603
00:35:06,191 --> 00:35:09,063
a bit of a depression
on Sunday nights

604
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:11,283
when I brought my children
back to their dad's

605
00:35:11,326 --> 00:35:12,762
for a full week.

606
00:35:16,505 --> 00:35:19,073
- I think that tends to be
a bit of a fearful point

607
00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:22,032
for a lot of women
coming back to education.

608
00:35:22,076 --> 00:35:24,209
In Ontario, as long
as you're 19 or older,

609
00:35:24,252 --> 00:35:27,299
you're able to apply to come
to college as a mature student.

610
00:35:27,342 --> 00:35:28,691
- Did I go back to school?

611
00:35:28,735 --> 00:35:31,477
I actually went
back to university.

612
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:36,264
It was only three months
after my husband left

613
00:35:36,308 --> 00:35:41,226
that I decided to
return to university

614
00:35:41,269 --> 00:35:44,272
and do my masters in
counseling psychology.

615
00:35:44,316 --> 00:35:47,014
I did that while holding
down a full-time job.

616
00:35:54,848 --> 00:35:58,765
- But I had so much fear
around future relationships.

617
00:35:58,808 --> 00:36:03,552
You know, my belief system
in even my capacity,

618
00:36:03,596 --> 00:36:05,293
my capabilities
in a relationship,

619
00:36:05,337 --> 00:36:08,470
what I bring to the table.

620
00:36:08,514 --> 00:36:10,951
Good, bad and the
ugly and otherwise.

621
00:36:10,994 --> 00:36:15,999
So I was fearful of,
even though I ended it,

622
00:36:17,262 --> 00:36:21,091
I was fearful that maybe
my heart will never end.

623
00:36:23,093 --> 00:36:24,182
Maybe his won't.

624
00:36:29,361 --> 00:36:34,366
Maybe I'll never, well,
at the time I was like,

625
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:36,846
I'd rather slam
myself in a car door

626
00:36:36,890 --> 00:36:39,197
than the thought of like
getting married again, or...

627
00:36:41,286 --> 00:36:44,245
But those were my fears, like
relationship based fears.

628
00:36:44,289 --> 00:36:48,336
- I had this very
powerful belief

629
00:36:48,380 --> 00:36:52,297
that there was no way I was
gonna find another soulmate,

630
00:36:52,340 --> 00:36:55,300
like my ex again,
that that was it.

631
00:36:55,343 --> 00:36:58,085
That was my one shot.

632
00:36:58,128 --> 00:37:00,783
That was it. He was gone.

633
00:37:00,827 --> 00:37:02,872
So I went to Burning Man.

634
00:37:02,916 --> 00:37:04,526
And I went to Burning Man,

635
00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:06,659
because I really
wanted to let it go.

636
00:37:06,702 --> 00:37:08,182
And that's the premise
of Burning Man,

637
00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:10,402
you go and you let it go.

638
00:37:10,445 --> 00:37:12,621
And there's a temple
at Burning Man,

639
00:37:12,665 --> 00:37:15,276
where you go in
silent contemplation.

640
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:19,672
And you bring, I
brought a picture of
you know, my ex and I.

641
00:37:19,715 --> 00:37:22,283
And I wrote a note on it
and I put it in the temple

642
00:37:22,327 --> 00:37:25,373
and there's pictures
everywhere around the temple.

643
00:37:25,417 --> 00:37:27,419
As people are letting things go.

644
00:37:27,462 --> 00:37:32,467
And I sat in the temple and
cried and said goodbye and said,

645
00:37:33,338 --> 00:37:35,122
"It's time to let this go."

646
00:37:35,165 --> 00:37:40,127
And that's when I had the
revelation, "Oh my gosh,

647
00:37:40,170 --> 00:37:44,392
you're not here to let
go of this marriage.

648
00:37:44,436 --> 00:37:46,829
You are here to let
go of the belief

649
00:37:46,873 --> 00:37:50,833
that you will never find
another soulmate again.

650
00:37:50,877 --> 00:37:53,053
You have to let that go."

651
00:37:53,096 --> 00:37:58,101
- After my separation, it
was about a year and a half,

652
00:37:58,754 --> 00:38:00,408
I was at a social event,

653
00:38:00,452 --> 00:38:04,499
certainly no interest in dating

654
00:38:04,543 --> 00:38:08,329
because I really felt I had
not healed sufficiently.

655
00:38:08,373 --> 00:38:12,986
And I just had no time for
dating with working full time

656
00:38:13,029 --> 00:38:17,295
and attending university, so
that was so far off my radar,

657
00:38:18,557 --> 00:38:23,344
but a chance meeting with
a man, he pursued me.

658
00:38:24,476 --> 00:38:28,828
So I guess even though we dated,

659
00:38:28,871 --> 00:38:31,221
we went out for
dinners together.

660
00:38:32,397 --> 00:38:34,442
I resisted for a long time. Yes.

661
00:38:35,661 --> 00:38:37,793
Is that man still in your life?

662
00:38:37,837 --> 00:38:39,926
- That man was a very smart man.

663
00:38:39,969 --> 00:38:40,970
He waited for me.

664
00:38:42,537 --> 00:38:46,454
He is still in my life and
we've been very happy now for,

665
00:38:46,498 --> 00:38:51,154
well, we've lived in this
home now for 15 years, yeah.

666
00:39:00,425 --> 00:39:03,210
- I would definitely agree
that going to family court

667
00:39:03,253 --> 00:39:05,691
is a soul crushing event.

668
00:39:05,734 --> 00:39:08,520
Walking into the
family court building,

669
00:39:09,434 --> 00:39:11,392
immediately, my heart sank.

670
00:39:11,436 --> 00:39:13,351
And I just thought,
you know what,

671
00:39:13,394 --> 00:39:17,224
my ex-husband and I are
two intelligent people.

672
00:39:17,267 --> 00:39:19,139
We should have been
able to resolve this

673
00:39:19,182 --> 00:39:21,750
without the intervention
of the court system.

674
00:39:21,794 --> 00:39:23,404
And you're sitting
there sort of saying,

675
00:39:23,448 --> 00:39:25,450
but this is gonna
impact, you know,

676
00:39:25,493 --> 00:39:28,278
my five-year-old
and where he lives.

677
00:39:28,322 --> 00:39:31,020
- I always had this idea that,
"Oh yeah, divorce is hard,

678
00:39:31,064 --> 00:39:32,500
but you know, it's
not that hard.

679
00:39:32,544 --> 00:39:34,391
Like it's, you know, it's
not the end of the world."

680
00:39:34,415 --> 00:39:35,808
Until I went through it.

681
00:39:35,851 --> 00:39:40,682
And I realized, "Oh my
gosh, this is devastating.'

682
00:39:40,726 --> 00:39:42,423
And I have an amiable divorce

683
00:39:42,467 --> 00:39:44,817
and 10 years of
resilience training.

684
00:39:44,860 --> 00:39:46,601
So how do women do this?

685
00:39:46,645 --> 00:39:50,431
How do men do this? This
is a devastating thing.

686
00:39:51,693 --> 00:39:53,434
In looking for alternatives

687
00:39:53,478 --> 00:39:54,696
that could help families

688
00:39:54,740 --> 00:39:56,785
through the separation
and divorce process,

689
00:39:56,829 --> 00:39:59,875
I heard about a method that
was developed by Bill Eddy.

690
00:39:59,919 --> 00:40:01,964
I thought it was worth
knowing more about,

691
00:40:02,008 --> 00:40:05,794
so after research, I found
Bill, in San Diego, California.

692
00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:07,448
Through Bill's
work in family law,

693
00:40:07,492 --> 00:40:09,494
counseling and mediation.

694
00:40:09,537 --> 00:40:12,105
He came to recognize
that the same issues

695
00:40:12,148 --> 00:40:14,368
kept coming up with the
families he was working with

696
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:16,675
and he wanted to
help them and others.

697
00:40:16,718 --> 00:40:20,461
So he developed a method,
"New Ways For Families."

698
00:40:20,505 --> 00:40:25,510
- High conflict situations,
maybe 20% of separations.

699
00:40:26,815 --> 00:40:31,341
What can we do to change
the way these cases go?

700
00:40:31,385 --> 00:40:36,390
So they don't get stuck in
the litigation's system,

701
00:40:37,086 --> 00:40:38,348
the adversarial process.

702
00:40:38,392 --> 00:40:41,526
I took all my experience
as a therapist

703
00:40:41,569 --> 00:40:44,833
and as a lawyer
and as a mediator,

704
00:40:44,877 --> 00:40:49,403
I could see what needed to
be done and how to do it.

705
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,537
So I developed this
really, as a way

706
00:40:52,580 --> 00:40:56,279
to take out the
adversarial process

707
00:40:56,323 --> 00:41:00,632
and to make it a cooperative
process of learning skills.

708
00:41:00,675 --> 00:41:02,764
- I took my husband
to court for contempt

709
00:41:02,808 --> 00:41:07,813
because he wasn't paying me
and they found him not guilty,

710
00:41:09,031 --> 00:41:10,555
but he wasn't paying me.

711
00:41:11,556 --> 00:41:14,384
And he wasn't abiding
by the court order,

712
00:41:14,428 --> 00:41:16,474
but they didn't find
him in contempt.

713
00:41:17,518 --> 00:41:20,434
- So in my first court order,

714
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:23,524
we had stipulated
that my ex partner

715
00:41:23,568 --> 00:41:26,875
would put a certain
number of dollars

716
00:41:26,919 --> 00:41:29,530
into the children's
educational fund

717
00:41:29,574 --> 00:41:32,446
in lieu of child support.

718
00:41:33,578 --> 00:41:36,581
I found out about two years ago,

719
00:41:36,624 --> 00:41:40,889
so maybe 10 years after we
had signed that agreement,

720
00:41:40,933 --> 00:41:43,544
that he had emptied that fund.

721
00:41:43,588 --> 00:41:45,633
We had the court
order saying that

722
00:41:45,677 --> 00:41:48,723
he had to apply X, hundreds
of dollars per month

723
00:41:48,767 --> 00:41:52,205
in lieu of child
support into the account

724
00:41:52,248 --> 00:41:53,815
that was under his name.

725
00:41:53,859 --> 00:41:58,167
So I didn't actually have
access to the bank records.

726
00:41:58,211 --> 00:42:01,954
And it happened to come to light
in the financial disclosure

727
00:42:01,997 --> 00:42:06,611
that he had emptied and closed
the children's RESP account.

728
00:42:08,221 --> 00:42:11,050
I've heard so
many stories of separation

729
00:42:11,093 --> 00:42:13,356
that it made me want to
understand the legal process

730
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:14,836
for myself.

731
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:16,205
I wondered if there
were better ways

732
00:42:16,229 --> 00:42:18,666
to ease the separation
and divorce process,

733
00:42:18,710 --> 00:42:20,842
whether embroiled in
lengthy litigation

734
00:42:20,886 --> 00:42:22,540
or in collaborative mediation.

735
00:42:24,629 --> 00:42:27,806
- If the child
support paying parent

736
00:42:27,849 --> 00:42:31,592
opens up a registered
education savings plan,

737
00:42:31,636 --> 00:42:35,944
that parent can walk into
the financial institution

738
00:42:35,988 --> 00:42:38,860
at any time, six months later,

739
00:42:38,904 --> 00:42:41,950
a year later, five years later,

740
00:42:41,994 --> 00:42:44,562
collapse the plan and
take out the money.

741
00:42:44,605 --> 00:42:46,215
- I would call it
sort of a friendly

742
00:42:46,259 --> 00:42:48,304
outside of the
system negotiation.

743
00:42:48,348 --> 00:42:50,829
The ex partner often
finds it more tolerable,

744
00:42:50,872 --> 00:42:53,092
the idea that the
money isn't going

745
00:42:53,135 --> 00:42:54,528
in the ex partner's hand,

746
00:42:54,572 --> 00:42:56,704
it's going directly into
a fund for the kids,

747
00:42:56,748 --> 00:42:59,751
which is why I believe that
it was recommended to me

748
00:42:59,794 --> 00:43:02,231
by various lawyers
and mediators.

749
00:43:02,275 --> 00:43:04,669
What they didn't tell
me when they recommended

750
00:43:04,712 --> 00:43:08,803
this type of settlement
was that, that those monies

751
00:43:08,847 --> 00:43:11,327
were outside the
collect global purview

752
00:43:11,371 --> 00:43:12,981
of the family
responsibility office.

753
00:43:13,025 --> 00:43:15,549
So once I agreed to that,

754
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,639
there was absolutely no
legal mechanism or follow-up

755
00:43:18,683 --> 00:43:21,773
to make sure that that
money was collected,

756
00:43:21,816 --> 00:43:23,122
put in the right kind of account

757
00:43:23,165 --> 00:43:25,646
and used for what it
was earmarked for.

758
00:43:27,909 --> 00:43:31,652
I had an ex partner who I
felt had a lot of problems

759
00:43:31,696 --> 00:43:33,698
with financial responsibility.

760
00:43:33,741 --> 00:43:35,787
I was very concerned about him

761
00:43:35,830 --> 00:43:38,006
saving for the kids' university.

762
00:43:38,050 --> 00:43:40,008
I didn't feel he was
the type of individual

763
00:43:40,052 --> 00:43:43,359
that was gonna volunteer to
pay to support his children

764
00:43:43,403 --> 00:43:45,361
when they weren't
under his roof.

765
00:43:45,405 --> 00:43:46,885
He'd said things of this nature.

766
00:43:46,928 --> 00:43:51,585
So I felt that I needed a
proper separation agreement,

767
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:52,891
a proper custody agreement,

768
00:43:52,934 --> 00:43:54,893
a proper child
support agreement.

769
00:43:54,936 --> 00:43:59,419
- We had a 70 page separation
agreement, gave it to him.

770
00:43:59,462 --> 00:44:00,855
He refused to read it.

771
00:44:01,987 --> 00:44:03,553
He's refused to read it.

772
00:44:03,597 --> 00:44:06,644
You know how much money that
is when you have to pay?

773
00:44:06,687 --> 00:44:08,689
He's the one who left,

774
00:44:08,733 --> 00:44:12,258
I'm paying the goddamn fee
for the separation agreement.

775
00:44:12,301 --> 00:44:14,216
I'm trying to get it done.

776
00:44:14,260 --> 00:44:16,784
- Nobody wants to have a
high conflict separation,

777
00:44:16,828 --> 00:44:18,960
but about 20% of people do.

778
00:44:19,004 --> 00:44:21,397
What you can do is
with the children,

779
00:44:21,441 --> 00:44:25,010
is be careful not to bad
mouth the other parent

780
00:44:25,053 --> 00:44:30,058
in front of them, to really
focus on what their needs are

781
00:44:31,581 --> 00:44:34,019
and speak a neutral terms
about the other parent

782
00:44:34,062 --> 00:44:35,716
or speak in positive terms.

783
00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:38,327
So they don't get brought
into the conflict.

784
00:44:38,371 --> 00:44:40,678
'Cause that's where a lot
of high conflict divorces

785
00:44:40,721 --> 00:44:42,331
and separations get started.

786
00:44:43,855 --> 00:44:45,334
- One afternoon,

787
00:44:45,378 --> 00:44:48,424
I was picking up my ten-year-old
daughter at my ex's house.

788
00:44:48,468 --> 00:44:50,818
I was taken aside
by a reliable adult

789
00:44:50,862 --> 00:44:53,255
and shown something
really upsetting.

790
00:44:53,299 --> 00:44:55,179
My daughter had written
a petition to the court.

791
00:44:55,214 --> 00:44:57,216
She was begging the
court to order her dad

792
00:44:57,259 --> 00:44:59,131
not to pay child support.

793
00:44:59,174 --> 00:45:00,610
It was obvious
she hadn't come up

794
00:45:00,654 --> 00:45:02,221
with these concepts on her own.

795
00:45:02,264 --> 00:45:04,963
I was devastated to see in my
daughter's own handwriting,

796
00:45:05,006 --> 00:45:07,748
that she'd been made aware
of the concept of support

797
00:45:07,792 --> 00:45:10,708
and come up with skewed
ideas that vilified me

798
00:45:10,751 --> 00:45:13,362
and then took it all around
to her classmates to sign,

799
00:45:16,452 --> 00:45:20,718
Trying to deal
with the legalities

800
00:45:20,761 --> 00:45:23,068
from the kids being
five years old to them,

801
00:45:23,111 --> 00:45:25,897
potentially being 23,
you have what's called

802
00:45:25,940 --> 00:45:27,594
material change in circumstance.

803
00:45:27,637 --> 00:45:31,206
So when my daughter decided she
wanted to just live with me,

804
00:45:31,250 --> 00:45:33,469
that required an
accounting adjustment.

805
00:45:33,513 --> 00:45:36,646
And literally every
adjustment that we embarked on

806
00:45:36,690 --> 00:45:38,779
was not a matter
of weeks or months,

807
00:45:38,823 --> 00:45:41,173
but literally a matter of years.

808
00:45:41,216 --> 00:45:45,177
- Well, it's simply, it is
the design of the system.

809
00:45:45,220 --> 00:45:47,788
There could be many
disclosure issues.

810
00:45:47,832 --> 00:45:49,747
Someone could fail
to disclose assets.

811
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:53,838
For instance, if this matter's
moving to a trial stage,

812
00:45:55,143 --> 00:45:58,407
you know, it could be a year,
two years, longer than that.

813
00:45:58,451 --> 00:46:02,542
- I think any therapist or
psychologist would tell you,

814
00:46:02,585 --> 00:46:05,545
you know, don't make
major life decisions

815
00:46:05,588 --> 00:46:07,155
when you're in a
state of distress.

816
00:46:07,199 --> 00:46:09,331
That just seems
like common sense.

817
00:46:10,506 --> 00:46:14,597
And yet it's just
doesn't seem possible.

818
00:46:14,641 --> 00:46:19,385
I've never met anyone whose
separation is so amicable

819
00:46:20,603 --> 00:46:23,824
that they don't have
a distress factor.

820
00:46:23,868 --> 00:46:25,826
- We've never been to court. No.

821
00:46:25,870 --> 00:46:28,829
In fact, we went through a
collaborative law process,

822
00:46:28,873 --> 00:46:30,962
which was very amicable.

823
00:46:31,005 --> 00:46:33,834
Again, it's sometimes too
amicable 'cause it's like,

824
00:46:33,878 --> 00:46:35,314
are we getting this done

825
00:46:35,357 --> 00:46:37,403
or we're kind of
like, well, whatever.

826
00:46:37,446 --> 00:46:40,188
So, but that was a very
good process to go through.

827
00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,757
We decided right at the
beginning, we were, you know...

828
00:46:43,801 --> 00:46:46,455
Actually, as part of the
collaborative law process,

829
00:46:46,499 --> 00:46:50,285
you have to agree that you
are not gonna go to court.

830
00:46:50,329 --> 00:46:52,331
So and it was lovely.

831
00:46:52,374 --> 00:46:55,247
It was a great
process to go through.

832
00:46:55,290 --> 00:46:56,770
- Most people who separate,

833
00:46:56,814 --> 00:46:59,251
never see the inside
of a courthouse.

834
00:46:59,294 --> 00:47:00,445
- What do they do?
- Give me a

835
00:47:00,469 --> 00:47:01,949
guesstimate, percentage-wise.

836
00:47:01,993 --> 00:47:05,823
- I have heard numbers
like, and I've no idea

837
00:47:05,866 --> 00:47:07,346
about the accuracy
of these numbers,

838
00:47:07,389 --> 00:47:09,914
but I've heard numbers
like 90% of people

839
00:47:09,957 --> 00:47:12,481
never see the inside
of a courthouse.

840
00:47:12,525 --> 00:47:13,265
They-But yet,

841
00:47:13,308 --> 00:47:14,527
the courts are busy.

842
00:47:14,570 --> 00:47:15,896
- The courts are
busy that's because

843
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:17,486
we have a lot of
people separating.

844
00:47:17,530 --> 00:47:20,881
- I was there the day
Susan was interviewed

845
00:47:20,925 --> 00:47:25,886
and being her best friend,
I knew a lot of things,

846
00:47:25,930 --> 00:47:29,411
but I learned things that
day, that I had no idea about.

847
00:47:31,022 --> 00:47:32,893
- When I had to leave my home,

848
00:47:32,937 --> 00:47:36,897
I tried to stay and I
represented myself in court

849
00:47:36,941 --> 00:47:38,420
because I couldn't
afford a lawyer.

850
00:47:38,464 --> 00:47:41,946
And that day it was ordered

851
00:47:41,989 --> 00:47:44,035
that I be out of the
house in two days.

852
00:47:45,210 --> 00:47:47,952
And this was a 5,000
square foot home

853
00:47:47,995 --> 00:47:51,085
with everything
we had, you know,

854
00:47:51,129 --> 00:47:53,783
gathered in the last 26 years.

855
00:47:53,827 --> 00:47:55,960
So I ordered two
big U-Haul trucks.

856
00:47:56,003 --> 00:48:00,138
I called all the friends I
still had and some family.

857
00:48:00,181 --> 00:48:04,316
And in two days we
emptied that house.

858
00:48:04,359 --> 00:48:08,015
The sheriff was there when
we were putting the stuff

859
00:48:08,059 --> 00:48:11,889
on the lawn and came
in and told us that

860
00:48:11,932 --> 00:48:15,066
time was up and we had to go.

861
00:48:15,109 --> 00:48:16,937
And the sad thing is we left

862
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:22,073
my ex-husband's
grandmother's piano

863
00:48:22,116 --> 00:48:25,511
that was very, very
dear to my daughter

864
00:48:27,078 --> 00:48:28,949
and it was sold with the house

865
00:48:28,993 --> 00:48:31,038
and she'll never get it back.

866
00:48:31,082 --> 00:48:33,998
I didn't have any place to put
the stuff in the two U-Hauls,

867
00:48:34,041 --> 00:48:38,089
so for two weeks, it
sat in my friend's,

868
00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:43,094
he had a big commercial garage

869
00:48:43,137 --> 00:48:47,315
and he let me park the U-Hauls
in the garage parking lot

870
00:48:47,359 --> 00:48:48,621
for two weeks.

871
00:48:49,883 --> 00:48:54,366
And I had to rent a
place for two weeks

872
00:48:55,628 --> 00:48:58,239
until I found
another place to go.

873
00:48:58,283 --> 00:49:01,721
I live in an apartment
that I can't afford to rent

874
00:49:01,764 --> 00:49:03,157
here in Halifax.

875
00:49:04,115 --> 00:49:06,247
The only way I was able
to get that apartment

876
00:49:06,291 --> 00:49:10,251
is because I knew the
daughter of the person

877
00:49:10,295 --> 00:49:15,300
who was renting it and she
didn't do a credit check,

878
00:49:16,910 --> 00:49:18,714
or I would never have been
able to get the apartment.

879
00:49:18,738 --> 00:49:20,958
- So we have a lot of
unrepresented people.

880
00:49:21,001 --> 00:49:22,307
A colleague of mine and I,

881
00:49:22,350 --> 00:49:25,440
we actually had a little
chart that we kept going

882
00:49:25,484 --> 00:49:28,052
for about six months to see
what percentage of people

883
00:49:28,095 --> 00:49:31,098
were unrepresented
in domestic matters.

884
00:49:31,142 --> 00:49:33,361
And it came to about 60%.

885
00:49:33,405 --> 00:49:34,972
There are a number
of reasons why people

886
00:49:35,015 --> 00:49:39,019
are coming into court
without lawyers.

887
00:49:39,063 --> 00:49:41,979
One reason is because
some people feel

888
00:49:42,022 --> 00:49:44,068
they can do it
better than lawyers.

889
00:49:44,111 --> 00:49:49,116
Another reason is because
lawyers are very expensive

890
00:49:50,683 --> 00:49:53,033
and they simply don't wanna
spend their money on lawyers.

891
00:49:53,077 --> 00:49:56,254
The third reason, and I think
the most prevalent reason

892
00:49:56,297 --> 00:49:59,518
that people come in
unrepresented is because

893
00:49:59,561 --> 00:50:01,999
they can't get
legal aid and yet,

894
00:50:03,261 --> 00:50:05,828
they don't earn nearly
enough money to go out

895
00:50:05,872 --> 00:50:07,569
and hire a lawyer privately.

896
00:50:07,613 --> 00:50:09,136
So they just don't
have any choice,

897
00:50:09,180 --> 00:50:11,095
but to come in and
represent themselves.

898
00:50:11,138 --> 00:50:16,143
- We had a very long,
painful, legal process.

899
00:50:17,666 --> 00:50:21,583
We had signed off on a
partial custody agreement

900
00:50:22,715 --> 00:50:25,196
when I first left
specifying how many days

901
00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:28,460
the kids would be at
each other's homes,

902
00:50:28,503 --> 00:50:31,071
but we actually
didn't fully sign off

903
00:50:31,115 --> 00:50:33,073
on our very first court order

904
00:50:33,117 --> 00:50:35,771
until we'd been
separated for four years.

905
00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:39,079
So I was functioning
with no child support,

906
00:50:39,123 --> 00:50:42,778
no spousal support until the
first court order was signed.

907
00:50:42,822 --> 00:50:44,432
- Four years later?
- Four years.

908
00:50:44,476 --> 00:50:47,044
- If people are delinquent
in their support payments,

909
00:50:47,087 --> 00:50:48,958
they can lose their
driver's license.

910
00:50:49,002 --> 00:50:50,569
They can lose their passport.

911
00:50:50,612 --> 00:50:53,093
And in the most serious
cases, they can go to jail.

912
00:50:53,137 --> 00:50:55,443
- I actually have never added up

913
00:50:55,487 --> 00:50:57,315
how much I've spent in lawyers.

914
00:50:57,358 --> 00:51:02,233
And I'm a pretty meticulous
bookkeeper and record-keeper,

915
00:51:03,277 --> 00:51:06,759
and I have intentionally
never added up

916
00:51:06,802 --> 00:51:09,457
what my legal costs have been

917
00:51:09,501 --> 00:51:12,547
because I felt that
if I discovered

918
00:51:12,591 --> 00:51:17,596
that I was in a net loss
against what I eventually got

919
00:51:19,119 --> 00:51:20,488
in less than federal table
minimum child support,

920
00:51:20,512 --> 00:51:22,122
that that would be
too depressing for me

921
00:51:22,166 --> 00:51:24,690
to be able to handle
the knowledge of.

922
00:51:24,733 --> 00:51:26,779
So I actually have
never run the numbers.

923
00:51:27,910 --> 00:51:31,218
- I've paid thousands
in lawyer fees.

924
00:51:31,262 --> 00:51:32,437
I got a line of credit.

925
00:51:36,484 --> 00:51:37,703
I don't wanna know.

926
00:51:39,139 --> 00:51:41,489
I don't wanna know.
So I don't know.

927
00:51:42,403 --> 00:51:44,144
- The hardest thing,

928
00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:46,799
the thing that sprang right to
my mind as soon as you said,

929
00:51:46,842 --> 00:51:49,193
"What was the hardest
thing in this process?"

930
00:51:49,236 --> 00:51:53,849
Was my physical separation
from my small children

931
00:51:53,893 --> 00:51:55,199
when I initially moved out.

932
00:51:55,242 --> 00:51:58,158
I mean the legal stuff
it's been exhausting,

933
00:51:58,202 --> 00:52:00,595
it's been financially
exhausting,

934
00:52:00,639 --> 00:52:03,250
but it's something that
I've been able to handle

935
00:52:03,294 --> 00:52:04,817
as an adult.

936
00:52:04,860 --> 00:52:08,299
I don't feel like I can ever
give my son his mother back

937
00:52:08,342 --> 00:52:09,822
at the age of five.

938
00:52:09,865 --> 00:52:14,870
The stress and distress
of what was looking like

939
00:52:15,654 --> 00:52:17,395
a custody battle,

940
00:52:18,874 --> 00:52:21,181
the feelings that I had after
being a stay-at-home mom

941
00:52:21,225 --> 00:52:24,228
for seven years of being
separated from my two children,

942
00:52:24,271 --> 00:52:27,883
who I had never been more
than arms length from,

943
00:52:27,927 --> 00:52:30,234
it's hard to describe
how devastating it was.

944
00:52:31,757 --> 00:52:33,193
I'll give you a quick example.

945
00:52:33,237 --> 00:52:36,979
I had an aunt who
became ill with cancer

946
00:52:37,023 --> 00:52:39,199
and passed away in
that six months,

947
00:52:39,243 --> 00:52:40,679
from the time I
asked for divorce

948
00:52:40,722 --> 00:52:42,159
and I stepped out of the house.

949
00:52:42,202 --> 00:52:45,205
And many years later,
my sister was asking me,

950
00:52:45,249 --> 00:52:46,728
or having a conversation with me

951
00:52:46,772 --> 00:52:48,817
about how our aunt passed away.

952
00:52:48,861 --> 00:52:53,344
And I realized that I had
no memory of her illness,

953
00:52:53,387 --> 00:52:55,041
where she was in hospital,

954
00:52:55,084 --> 00:52:59,350
what surgery she had, when she
died, where she was buried.

955
00:52:59,393 --> 00:53:01,221
All of that situation
with my aunt

956
00:53:01,265 --> 00:53:03,223
happened in that six months.

957
00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:07,836
And I think when I hear
medical descriptions of shock,

958
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:10,230
you know, your memory
doesn't work the same way.

959
00:53:10,274 --> 00:53:13,929
So things that didn't
have to do with my kids,

960
00:53:13,973 --> 00:53:16,193
I don't even remember.

961
00:53:16,236 --> 00:53:19,718
- My oldest daughter because
she had gone to university,

962
00:53:19,761 --> 00:53:22,155
as I mentioned, she
didn't really see

963
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:24,331
much of a difference, right?

964
00:53:24,375 --> 00:53:26,899
And she has such a good
relationship with her father.

965
00:53:26,942 --> 00:53:28,901
And she has a great
relationship with me too,

966
00:53:28,944 --> 00:53:32,426
that we see each other,
we see her separately,

967
00:53:32,470 --> 00:53:35,386
or we might come together
and have dinners together.

968
00:53:36,604 --> 00:53:39,085
My youngest, I think,
has really been hit hard

969
00:53:39,128 --> 00:53:40,695
with all of it.

970
00:53:40,739 --> 00:53:44,221
I think she had a really hard
time with the separation.

971
00:53:44,264 --> 00:53:46,484
She was not happy about it.

972
00:53:46,527 --> 00:53:50,879
She did not want to
be a child of divorce.

973
00:53:50,923 --> 00:53:53,665
She had emotional struggles

974
00:53:53,708 --> 00:53:57,190
and some anxiety
around it as well.

975
00:53:57,234 --> 00:54:01,150
But she has been
incredibly resilient

976
00:54:01,194 --> 00:54:03,327
and has been really resourceful

977
00:54:03,370 --> 00:54:05,546
even for her other girlfriends.

978
00:54:05,590 --> 00:54:08,810
And I'm really,
really proud of how

979
00:54:08,854 --> 00:54:12,901
she got through everything
that she got through

980
00:54:12,945 --> 00:54:15,426
and got through high school.

981
00:54:15,469 --> 00:54:20,474
And, you know, my daughters
are both amazing girls.

982
00:54:22,041 --> 00:54:25,131
So they got through, you know,
we got through it together.

983
00:54:25,174 --> 00:54:26,306
- Leaving elementary school,

984
00:54:26,350 --> 00:54:28,047
I was introduced to substances.

985
00:54:28,090 --> 00:54:30,354
You know, things that
would have helped me

986
00:54:30,397 --> 00:54:32,443
dull the pain at the time.

987
00:54:32,486 --> 00:54:36,360
But later, would've came to
bite me in the butt in a way.

988
00:54:36,403 --> 00:54:38,033
They've caught up with me right
now. You know what I mean?

989
00:54:38,057 --> 00:54:41,321
So I'm at this place
in my life where

990
00:54:41,365 --> 00:54:43,236
I had to eliminate
all those things.

991
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:47,153
I was doing for many
years and trying to shift,

992
00:54:47,196 --> 00:54:49,460
trying to get away from that,

993
00:54:49,503 --> 00:54:54,508
trying to live a good life
and not use what my life,

994
00:54:55,988 --> 00:54:57,990
my past has, as an excuse
to do these things.

995
00:55:00,253 --> 00:55:01,491
That was the
biggest fight I had.

996
00:55:01,515 --> 00:55:03,212
That was the biggest
mental fight I had

997
00:55:03,256 --> 00:55:04,823
that I recently overcame.

998
00:55:04,866 --> 00:55:07,869
And I've been, you know, I've
been on a good road so far,

999
00:55:07,913 --> 00:55:09,480
and I'm really happy about that.

1000
00:55:09,523 --> 00:55:11,525
- A lot of people are
under the delusion

1001
00:55:11,569 --> 00:55:13,832
that their children don't know,

1002
00:55:13,875 --> 00:55:15,616
or they're not being impacted

1003
00:55:15,660 --> 00:55:17,836
because they try to
keep it separate.

1004
00:55:17,879 --> 00:55:19,359
Kids do know.

1005
00:55:19,403 --> 00:55:22,275
And the way I help
people understand that is

1006
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:24,451
because I remind them that
when they were a child,

1007
00:55:24,495 --> 00:55:28,673
they knew and that's
compelling for them.

1008
00:55:28,716 --> 00:55:31,937
- I think it's when dad
started sleeping downstairs

1009
00:55:33,417 --> 00:55:35,201
and I asked "Why?"

1010
00:55:36,768 --> 00:55:41,773
And I guess I took the answer,
but it didn't make sense.

1011
00:55:43,209 --> 00:55:46,560
And I feel like it was
something to do with snoring.

1012
00:55:47,779 --> 00:55:50,172
That it was something
to do with snoring,

1013
00:55:50,216 --> 00:55:51,826
but that didn't really
make sense to me

1014
00:55:51,870 --> 00:55:53,828
because mom would also snore.

1015
00:55:57,441 --> 00:56:02,576
But I guess I took the answer,
but something felt wrong.

1016
00:56:05,405 --> 00:56:06,972
- I do remember them arguing

1017
00:56:07,015 --> 00:56:12,020
and I don't remember
amicable arguments.

1018
00:56:13,326 --> 00:56:18,331
I hear screams and
shrieks and profanity.

1019
00:56:22,727 --> 00:56:26,600
It was as though the only
passion I can really recall

1020
00:56:27,514 --> 00:56:29,081
when their marriage
was winding down

1021
00:56:29,124 --> 00:56:31,562
was when they came to argue.

1022
00:56:31,605 --> 00:56:33,172
When I was younger,

1023
00:56:33,215 --> 00:56:37,568
I would immerse myself in any
sort of distraction I could.

1024
00:56:38,786 --> 00:56:43,443
And typically, that manifested
as playing video games.

1025
00:56:44,966 --> 00:56:47,578
Look what Brendan's
doing. Surprise, surprise.

1026
00:56:47,621 --> 00:56:50,972
Playing a video
game on a computer.

1027
00:56:52,496 --> 00:56:54,672
- Until recently, I didn't
know what it did to me.

1028
00:56:56,064 --> 00:56:58,763
And the way I've remembered
it over the years

1029
00:57:00,286 --> 00:57:03,724
is me being in my room or being
wherever it is in the house

1030
00:57:03,768 --> 00:57:08,773
and hearing that and then
freezing and going in,

1031
00:57:09,948 --> 00:57:12,733
I guess my entire
body going into shock.

1032
00:57:12,777 --> 00:57:15,823
I had a TV in my room, so
whenever they would fight,

1033
00:57:15,867 --> 00:57:17,738
I would turned the
TV on really loud

1034
00:57:17,782 --> 00:57:20,132
and I'd put my hands on my ears

1035
00:57:20,175 --> 00:57:23,396
and I would just pretend
like it wasn't happening.

1036
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,398
I'd be very hard on myself
during the fighting,

1037
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:27,574
because I wasn't doing
anything to stop it.

1038
00:57:28,532 --> 00:57:32,492
And each time a fight
would end, I would say,

1039
00:57:32,536 --> 00:57:34,451
"Next time I'm
gonna do something.

1040
00:57:34,494 --> 00:57:35,582
I'm gonna say something."

1041
00:57:35,626 --> 00:57:37,410
And I guess that
happened every time.

1042
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:42,284
So every time I'd
be hard on myself.

1043
00:57:42,328 --> 00:57:44,243
And I'd be frustrated.

1044
00:57:44,286 --> 00:57:46,506
What would
your 20 something self,

1045
00:57:46,550 --> 00:57:49,509
say to that innocent
little girl back when?

1046
00:58:16,580 --> 00:58:17,711
- It's not your fault.

1047
00:58:22,803 --> 00:58:24,675
And there's nothing
you could've done,

1048
00:58:28,026 --> 00:58:30,419
or you did the best you
knew how to do then.

1049
00:58:34,423 --> 00:58:36,251
- My sister had a
lot of self-blame.

1050
00:58:36,295 --> 00:58:39,951
She had questions
as to why he left.

1051
00:58:39,994 --> 00:58:43,607
And I remember a text message
that I saw from my sister

1052
00:58:45,347 --> 00:58:46,827
to my younger brother.

1053
00:58:46,871 --> 00:58:49,526
You know, when after he
left, was this because of me?

1054
00:58:49,569 --> 00:58:54,618
Like, was it my
fault that you left?

1055
00:58:54,661 --> 00:58:56,552
- Hiding the fact that you're
going through separation

1056
00:58:56,576 --> 00:59:01,233
and trying to dress
it as taking a break

1057
00:59:02,582 --> 00:59:07,544
or trying to avoid that
difficult conversation

1058
00:59:10,590 --> 00:59:14,551
is so unimaginably damaging
to the perception of you

1059
00:59:18,816 --> 00:59:20,992
in your children's eyes.

1060
00:59:21,035 --> 00:59:25,605
You might think you're
protecting them by
having an argument

1061
00:59:27,302 --> 00:59:29,783
and keeping it relegated
to the basement,

1062
00:59:32,612 --> 00:59:33,700
but they can hear you.

1063
00:59:35,615 --> 00:59:38,836
- The most vivid memory
I have of that time

1064
00:59:41,229 --> 00:59:43,362
was actually the last
day that my mom and dad

1065
00:59:43,405 --> 00:59:44,842
were living under the same roof.

1066
00:59:44,885 --> 00:59:48,672
And I remember that day
more so than any other day.

1067
00:59:48,715 --> 00:59:50,108
It started off as a normal day.

1068
00:59:50,151 --> 00:59:52,676
You know, my dad
works long hours

1069
00:59:52,719 --> 00:59:54,721
and he was on his way to work.

1070
00:59:54,765 --> 00:59:56,680
And things just went
south, right from there,

1071
00:59:56,723 --> 00:59:58,246
right from the
morning, you know,

1072
00:59:58,290 --> 01:00:00,945
you could hear them arguing,
which wasn't an uncommon thing.

1073
01:00:00,988 --> 01:00:02,836
They did argue often in
the morning and at night

1074
01:00:02,860 --> 01:00:05,079
'cause my dad does
work long hours.

1075
01:00:05,123 --> 01:00:08,474
And so you start, you
know, get used to it.

1076
01:00:08,517 --> 01:00:10,694
You start getting
used to the arguments

1077
01:00:10,737 --> 01:00:15,612
and this one just,
was a lot more vicious

1078
01:00:15,655 --> 01:00:20,617
and it spiraled very fast and
escalated far, far greater

1079
01:00:20,660 --> 01:00:23,097
than any other argument
I've ever listened or,

1080
01:00:23,141 --> 01:00:24,751
you know, witnessed.

1081
01:00:26,013 --> 01:00:27,798
When he left
that day, did he come back?

1082
01:00:29,321 --> 01:00:31,453
- No, my dad did not
come back that day.

1083
01:00:33,368 --> 01:00:34,650
Like I said, the
police got involved

1084
01:00:34,674 --> 01:00:36,633
and he did end up in custody.

1085
01:00:38,199 --> 01:00:39,897
- We'd had three flats.

1086
01:00:39,940 --> 01:00:43,683
The worst was the first one.

1087
01:00:43,727 --> 01:00:47,295
Anything that we
salvaged was dispersed

1088
01:00:47,339 --> 01:00:48,688
all through the upstairs.

1089
01:00:48,732 --> 01:00:51,778
So my daughter and I were
banished to our bedrooms

1090
01:00:51,822 --> 01:00:55,826
and the island had
my editing equipment.

1091
01:00:55,869 --> 01:00:58,263
My daughter and I couldn't
have friends over.

1092
01:00:58,306 --> 01:01:01,701
We had to eat in our rooms,
watch TV in our rooms.

1093
01:01:01,745 --> 01:01:03,616
She had to do her
homework in their room.

1094
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,794
Throughout that time, I
begged and asked repeatedly,

1095
01:01:07,838 --> 01:01:11,145
for my ex to help me
deal with the claim

1096
01:01:11,189 --> 01:01:16,194
because I have no idea on
how much certain things cost.

1097
01:01:17,021 --> 01:01:18,283
So on this particular day,

1098
01:01:18,326 --> 01:01:21,852
I walked into the office
and I was not leaving

1099
01:01:21,895 --> 01:01:26,900
until he sat down with me or
gave me a clear cut answer

1100
01:01:28,162 --> 01:01:29,424
that was acceptable.

1101
01:01:31,296 --> 01:01:32,689
Ron, we have to talk.

1102
01:01:32,732 --> 01:01:33,690
- Sunnie, I don't
have time right now.

1103
01:01:33,733 --> 01:01:36,344
- Ron, we have to talk.

1104
01:01:36,388 --> 01:01:37,887
- Sunnie, I told you,
I don't have time.

1105
01:01:37,911 --> 01:01:40,784
- Listen, I'm not leaving until
we have this conversation,

1106
01:01:40,827 --> 01:01:41,741
about insurance.

1107
01:01:41,785 --> 01:01:42,892
I can't live like this any more,

1108
01:01:42,916 --> 01:01:44,309
it's been 16 freaking months.

1109
01:01:44,352 --> 01:01:45,658
- I don't give a fuck!

1110
01:01:45,702 --> 01:01:46,983
I need to get this
done right now.

1111
01:01:47,007 --> 01:01:50,054
- He cursed at me, told
me to shut up, get out.

1112
01:01:50,097 --> 01:01:52,752
I held my ground and
I wasn't gonna leave.

1113
01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:57,714
So he got up from his desk
and rushed towards me.

1114
01:01:58,845 --> 01:02:02,240
Ron!

1115
01:02:04,285 --> 01:02:07,071
He told me to go ahead
and call the police.

1116
01:02:08,289 --> 01:02:09,769
After all that I
was going through,

1117
01:02:09,813 --> 01:02:13,817
all I needed now, was
him to make up a story

1118
01:02:13,860 --> 01:02:16,515
and the police
believe him over me.

1119
01:02:16,558 --> 01:02:18,343
So I never did call the place.

1120
01:02:20,954 --> 01:02:23,478
- You know, abuse is a big word.

1121
01:02:23,522 --> 01:02:27,744
And I even had so much pride
to feel like I'm not a victim.

1122
01:02:27,787 --> 01:02:29,049
You know, I'm not a victim.

1123
01:02:29,093 --> 01:02:31,312
I am strong. And I
wouldn't put up with that.

1124
01:02:33,837 --> 01:02:38,842
But there's definitely
abusive tendencies

1125
01:02:40,887 --> 01:02:44,761
and just no physical bruises
to go along with them,

1126
01:02:47,459 --> 01:02:49,548
which sometimes would make
it more real, you know,

1127
01:02:49,591 --> 01:02:54,596
like the psychological pain
or the facts from, you know,

1128
01:02:55,467 --> 01:02:57,817
those types of altercations.

1129
01:02:59,123 --> 01:03:02,822
But yeah, there was a
space that abuse lived

1130
01:03:02,866 --> 01:03:04,302
in our marriage.

1131
01:03:04,345 --> 01:03:07,174
- He didn't allow me
to have a connection

1132
01:03:07,218 --> 01:03:09,916
to the outside world,
the online world.

1133
01:03:11,831 --> 01:03:16,401
The day that he left, my
sister came and picked me up

1134
01:03:16,444 --> 01:03:21,058
and she drove me to get
a cell phone with email.

1135
01:03:23,364 --> 01:03:28,108
And now, because if I
got a shift at work,

1136
01:03:28,152 --> 01:03:30,807
I didn't know, I had
to get a phone call.

1137
01:03:30,850 --> 01:03:33,113
So this way, if the
shifts were available,

1138
01:03:33,157 --> 01:03:34,723
I could get a shift.

1139
01:03:34,767 --> 01:03:38,989
He didn't want me to have that
link to the outside world.

1140
01:03:39,032 --> 01:03:40,904
It felt very isolating.

1141
01:03:40,947 --> 01:03:42,862
So when I got this phone,

1142
01:03:42,906 --> 01:03:46,344
even the person at the
center where I got the phone,

1143
01:03:46,387 --> 01:03:49,869
was shocked that I was not
allowed to have a phone

1144
01:03:49,913 --> 01:03:50,914
with emails.

1145
01:03:53,655 --> 01:03:58,660
And he was very angry
when I did get a phone

1146
01:03:59,357 --> 01:04:00,619
and I had emails.

1147
01:04:00,662 --> 01:04:03,187
He was extremely
angry that I did that.

1148
01:04:04,275 --> 01:04:06,320
- One of the problems
that's raised,

1149
01:04:06,364 --> 01:04:11,369
maybe in 50% of family
court cases about parenting

1150
01:04:12,022 --> 01:04:13,588
is domestic violence.

1151
01:04:13,632 --> 01:04:17,244
- The red flags would be if
she's being stalked or harassed,

1152
01:04:17,288 --> 01:04:18,898
not respected.

1153
01:04:18,942 --> 01:04:20,876
And of course there's a
variety of ways to do that

1154
01:04:20,900 --> 01:04:25,687
these days through emails
and texts, not just directly,

1155
01:04:25,731 --> 01:04:28,995
but also indirectly,
those would be the times.

1156
01:04:29,039 --> 01:04:33,913
- So sometimes a child resists
going to see the other parent

1157
01:04:33,957 --> 01:04:35,915
and they fear the other parent

1158
01:04:35,959 --> 01:04:39,963
and they feel maybe
other parents been
abusive or something.

1159
01:04:40,006 --> 01:04:42,008
There's a big question mark.

1160
01:04:42,052 --> 01:04:47,057
And so family courts often order
a child custody evaluation.

1161
01:04:48,362 --> 01:04:51,278
- We actually have a duty to
report if there are issues

1162
01:04:51,322 --> 01:04:54,020
where someone is a
risk to themselves,

1163
01:04:54,064 --> 01:04:57,850
someone is a risk to a child.

1164
01:04:57,894 --> 01:05:00,070
It's duty of professional
to report that.

1165
01:05:00,113 --> 01:05:04,335
We want to look for
opportunities also

1166
01:05:04,378 --> 01:05:06,598
to rehabilitate
the other spouse.

1167
01:05:06,641 --> 01:05:10,645
- I provide a lot of therapeutic
support to abused women.

1168
01:05:10,689 --> 01:05:12,734
There's a few of us in the field

1169
01:05:12,778 --> 01:05:14,606
that have been working
in it extensively

1170
01:05:14,649 --> 01:05:17,261
for a good deal of our career.

1171
01:05:17,304 --> 01:05:21,569
And we certainly, we do what
we describe as getting it.

1172
01:05:21,613 --> 01:05:26,313
We understand the dynamics
that abused women experience

1173
01:05:26,357 --> 01:05:27,619
in their homes.

1174
01:05:27,662 --> 01:05:29,621
We know that women are
abused over 30 times

1175
01:05:29,664 --> 01:05:31,884
before they ever reach
out and call the police.

1176
01:05:31,928 --> 01:05:34,017
And people don't.
- So I never did

1177
01:05:34,060 --> 01:05:36,062
call the police.
- People don't because

1178
01:05:36,106 --> 01:05:38,543
their friends tell them not to.

1179
01:05:38,586 --> 01:05:40,545
It's very hard, you know,

1180
01:05:40,588 --> 01:05:43,200
and even a lot of
perpetrators believe that

1181
01:05:43,243 --> 01:05:45,637
it was such an easy
thing to call the police.

1182
01:05:45,680 --> 01:05:49,162
It's the hardest thing that
a woman will ever have to do

1183
01:05:49,206 --> 01:05:51,208
is call the police
on her partner.

1184
01:05:51,251 --> 01:05:54,994
The man that she loves,
the father of her children

1185
01:05:55,038 --> 01:05:56,561
and turn them in.

1186
01:05:56,604 --> 01:05:58,998
One case in particular
stands out for me,

1187
01:05:59,042 --> 01:06:03,960
of a woman who was going home
to tell her husband, finally,

1188
01:06:05,570 --> 01:06:10,053
that the marriage was over
and she thought she'd be fine.

1189
01:06:10,096 --> 01:06:13,360
That one more time, she
could endure a beating.

1190
01:06:14,405 --> 01:06:16,059
And she understood in her mind

1191
01:06:16,102 --> 01:06:17,930
that that's what would happen.

1192
01:06:17,974 --> 01:06:21,020
Little did she know he
had purchased a gun.

1193
01:06:21,064 --> 01:06:23,588
And when she got home
and announced that,

1194
01:06:23,631 --> 01:06:28,462
he began shooting her and
she ran around her home

1195
01:06:28,506 --> 01:06:30,725
trying to escape from him.

1196
01:06:30,769 --> 01:06:34,599
She had five children who
were all you could imagine,

1197
01:06:34,642 --> 01:06:37,167
freaking out, beside themself.

1198
01:06:39,212 --> 01:06:41,519
One of her sons called 911,

1199
01:06:41,562 --> 01:06:46,567
and it's gut wrenching
to hear that 911 call.

1200
01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:49,546
And I remember her
saying to me very clearly

1201
01:06:49,570 --> 01:06:53,226
that she'd been shot in the
jaw and she couldn't speak.

1202
01:06:53,270 --> 01:06:55,750
But she said to me,
"Bev, I could think.

1203
01:06:56,795 --> 01:06:58,536
And when he stopped shooting,

1204
01:06:59,537 --> 01:07:01,234
I managed to get
into the kitchen

1205
01:07:01,278 --> 01:07:04,020
and sit at the kitchen table."

1206
01:07:04,063 --> 01:07:06,326
And she said, "It was
so important to me

1207
01:07:06,370 --> 01:07:10,722
to sit at the kitchen table
because I didn't wanna fall.

1208
01:07:10,765 --> 01:07:13,725
And I didn't wanna die
in front of my children."

1209
01:07:13,768 --> 01:07:16,554
And those are the cases that
people need to hear about

1210
01:07:16,597 --> 01:07:17,597
and see.

1211
01:07:18,208 --> 01:07:20,514
But the downside of that is that

1212
01:07:20,558 --> 01:07:24,431
those are extreme cases
that people understand,

1213
01:07:24,475 --> 01:07:28,087
and that are obvious to
people when they occur.

1214
01:07:28,131 --> 01:07:30,916
The subtle misuse
of power and control

1215
01:07:32,178 --> 01:07:36,226
that women endure in their
homes on a daily basis,

1216
01:07:37,444 --> 01:07:39,751
is what people don't understand.

1217
01:07:39,794 --> 01:07:43,059
That dynamic, that
misuse of power.

1218
01:07:46,018 --> 01:07:50,370
- After I had rented a
home that I could afford,

1219
01:07:51,893 --> 01:07:56,246
if my ex was paying me on time,
he wasn't paying me on time.

1220
01:07:59,249 --> 01:08:01,686
And so I wasn't paying
the electric bill

1221
01:08:03,166 --> 01:08:06,865
and I woke up one morning
and the power was off

1222
01:08:08,345 --> 01:08:10,825
and I had no money to
pay the power bill.

1223
01:08:14,133 --> 01:08:16,701
I went back to bed and I
stayed in bed for two days.

1224
01:08:18,006 --> 01:08:20,400
- She did not wanna
get out of bed.

1225
01:08:20,444 --> 01:08:22,663
She didn't wanna function.

1226
01:08:22,707 --> 01:08:26,624
And I was scared that
she would hit a point

1227
01:08:26,667 --> 01:08:28,800
where she would end it.

1228
01:08:32,325 --> 01:08:33,563
- Something during
my separation,

1229
01:08:33,587 --> 01:08:35,415
I didn't share with
a lot of people

1230
01:08:35,459 --> 01:08:40,464
or really many people
was how sad I was,

1231
01:08:42,683 --> 01:08:45,251
that sometimes I would drop
the kids off from school

1232
01:08:45,295 --> 01:08:46,774
and just get back into bed

1233
01:08:46,818 --> 01:08:48,994
until it was time
to pick them up.

1234
01:08:49,037 --> 01:08:54,042
I guess I held that in
and hid it from people.

1235
01:08:55,522 --> 01:09:00,484
- Susan would contact me when
she was at a very low point.

1236
01:09:02,050 --> 01:09:05,141
When she would have a day that
she was really down and out

1237
01:09:05,184 --> 01:09:08,622
and feeling like she
didn't want to go on,

1238
01:09:08,666 --> 01:09:12,974
I would get a text and
I would talk to her.

1239
01:09:13,018 --> 01:09:15,238
I would come if
she wanted me to,

1240
01:09:15,281 --> 01:09:18,154
I just had to get
her through it.

1241
01:09:18,197 --> 01:09:21,896
- Do I wanna be working
at my age? Absolutely not.

1242
01:09:23,289 --> 01:09:27,554
There are days where I
basically rather kill myself,

1243
01:09:27,598 --> 01:09:28,598
than go to work.

1244
01:09:29,556 --> 01:09:32,298
But I do, because I need to.

1245
01:09:35,301 --> 01:09:36,781
Do you mean that Susan?

1246
01:09:36,824 --> 01:09:37,869
- I do mean that.

1247
01:09:40,524 --> 01:09:41,742
And what stops you?

1248
01:09:41,786 --> 01:09:44,919
- I wanna see my children grow.

1249
01:09:44,963 --> 01:09:46,269
I wanna see them meth babies

1250
01:09:46,312 --> 01:09:48,488
and I wanna see
them get married.

1251
01:09:53,276 --> 01:09:55,321
It's the only thing
that stops me.

1252
01:09:55,365 --> 01:09:57,628
- As I was maturing,
this was happening.

1253
01:09:57,671 --> 01:09:59,064
Saying if a change of Skylar,

1254
01:09:59,107 --> 01:10:01,632
like Skylar being a
four-year-old or five-year-old,

1255
01:10:01,675 --> 01:10:06,680
I think I never lost my
spark or my happiness,

1256
01:10:08,726 --> 01:10:13,339
even when I was very, very sad.

1257
01:10:14,775 --> 01:10:19,476
So, I don't see it as
changing me, but affecting me.

1258
01:10:23,480 --> 01:10:27,658
- The depression did take
its toll throughout my youth.

1259
01:10:27,701 --> 01:10:31,270
I mean, going to bed was
a task at times, you know,

1260
01:10:31,314 --> 01:10:32,706
going and falling asleep

1261
01:10:32,750 --> 01:10:34,795
with million and one
thoughts in your head.

1262
01:10:34,839 --> 01:10:37,320
You know, how can I be the
best I can be as well as

1263
01:10:37,363 --> 01:10:38,495
why is this happening to me?

1264
01:10:38,538 --> 01:10:41,280
And just a whole lot of emotions

1265
01:10:44,457 --> 01:10:45,763
that I've never felt before.

1266
01:10:45,806 --> 01:10:48,331
And that they just
all hit me at once.

1267
01:10:48,374 --> 01:10:51,812
- My kids didn't go
to a therapist, it
was always on offer.

1268
01:10:51,856 --> 01:10:55,555
It was always made
available to them.

1269
01:10:55,599 --> 01:10:58,602
The advice that I
received ongoing

1270
01:10:58,645 --> 01:11:03,084
from many different sources
was not to push therapy,

1271
01:11:03,128 --> 01:11:04,497
if it was something
that they didn't want.

1272
01:11:04,521 --> 01:11:07,088
We discussed it at
many different times,

1273
01:11:07,132 --> 01:11:11,267
at many different ages and
we're still discussing it today.

1274
01:11:11,310 --> 01:11:12,920
- I didn't go to therapy, no.

1275
01:11:12,964 --> 01:11:14,574
I did see my
counselors at school,

1276
01:11:15,706 --> 01:11:16,987
both in elementary
school and high school.

1277
01:11:17,011 --> 01:11:20,145
And they did have a
key role in my success

1278
01:11:20,188 --> 01:11:24,323
in both elementary and
my high school life.

1279
01:11:24,367 --> 01:11:27,065
- I'm sure they
accepted it, but again,

1280
01:11:27,108 --> 01:11:31,112
it takes time I
think, to absorb that.

1281
01:11:31,156 --> 01:11:34,333
So, and they were
neither one of them

1282
01:11:34,377 --> 01:11:36,422
would go for counseling.

1283
01:11:36,466 --> 01:11:41,471
So I think in their own way,
they struggled. Absolutely.

1284
01:11:42,341 --> 01:11:44,604
- Cole went to therapy,
a social worker.

1285
01:11:44,648 --> 01:11:47,433
I found a child social worker

1286
01:11:47,477 --> 01:11:50,306
and because Cole
has a difficult time

1287
01:11:50,349 --> 01:11:52,656
like enunciating or pronouncing,

1288
01:11:54,266 --> 01:11:57,356
he saw, we were walking in and
I don't go into the session.

1289
01:11:57,400 --> 01:11:58,966
I just sit outside.

1290
01:11:59,010 --> 01:12:03,406
He walked into the reception
and he said to the therapist,

1291
01:12:03,449 --> 01:12:08,454
perfect language, "We need to
talk because I'm so angry."

1292
01:12:10,674 --> 01:12:15,679
And anyways, I went into the
therapy room and on the board,

1293
01:12:16,897 --> 01:12:18,397
she wrote down all the
things and she said,

1294
01:12:18,421 --> 01:12:22,381
"I need to call your ex.
I need to talk to him."

1295
01:12:22,425 --> 01:12:23,513
Guess what?

1296
01:12:23,556 --> 01:12:25,558
My ex never returned
her phone call.

1297
01:12:26,690 --> 01:12:27,952
He didn't wanna hear it.

1298
01:12:30,737 --> 01:12:33,610
- What I experienced
that nobody knows,

1299
01:12:35,612 --> 01:12:39,442
that's related to
Colette's own separation.

1300
01:12:41,444 --> 01:12:42,575
Was the hurt,

1301
01:12:47,363 --> 01:12:48,363
that,

1302
01:12:50,540 --> 01:12:51,540
damn.

1303
01:12:54,457 --> 01:12:59,375
My own father did to my
mother when he walked out

1304
01:13:04,292 --> 01:13:05,729
at my sister's wedding.

1305
01:13:08,122 --> 01:13:13,127
Never to be seen again, that
came back, in

1306
01:13:20,091 --> 01:13:21,397
It still hurts.

1307
01:13:35,019 --> 01:13:38,022
And I fought like cats
and dogs with my dad.

1308
01:13:40,198 --> 01:13:41,460
The day he left my mother.

1309
01:13:45,116 --> 01:13:46,596
God, I regret that.

1310
01:13:47,640 --> 01:13:48,728
I regret that now.

1311
01:13:54,604 --> 01:13:59,609
Your father is your father,
good or bad.

1312
01:14:04,483 --> 01:14:07,051
I guess you gotta make peace
somewhere along the line.

1313
01:14:07,094 --> 01:14:11,490
You can't carry that
hate forever.

1314
01:14:11,534 --> 01:14:13,405
That's something
I really regret.

1315
01:14:16,103 --> 01:14:17,627
Never told that to my mother.

1316
01:14:20,151 --> 01:14:21,369
She's now dead.

1317
01:14:22,545 --> 01:14:25,678
So I've carried that.
I carried that with me.

1318
01:14:35,775 --> 01:14:38,474
So I guess what I try
to do with my girls,

1319
01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:44,088
is keep the communication
open, help 'em where I can.

1320
01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:48,353
I don't know, I love them.

1321
01:14:49,659 --> 01:14:51,356
Thanks for helping
me get that out.

1322
01:14:52,488 --> 01:14:53,967
After how many years?

1323
01:14:56,579 --> 01:14:59,233
He died in 1983.

1324
01:15:01,540 --> 01:15:04,935
It's amazing how you
suppress memories,

1325
01:15:06,197 --> 01:15:10,549
suppress feelings, going
through this experience,

1326
01:15:10,593 --> 01:15:12,420
everything comes right back up.

1327
01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:21,647
- I had two sort of rocks
in this whole process

1328
01:15:21,691 --> 01:15:26,260
and one was my mom or my
parents, who were just,

1329
01:15:26,304 --> 01:15:30,569
I remember driving up
to my parent's house

1330
01:15:30,613 --> 01:15:34,181
and the kids were still
closed in the car.

1331
01:15:34,225 --> 01:15:37,271
And I just stepped out
in front of the car

1332
01:15:37,315 --> 01:15:38,490
to talk to my mother.

1333
01:15:38,534 --> 01:15:40,274
And I just sort of
looked her in the face,

1334
01:15:40,318 --> 01:15:43,234
and I said, "You know,
the marriage is over.

1335
01:15:43,277 --> 01:15:44,670
We're getting a divorce."

1336
01:15:44,714 --> 01:15:49,545
And I don't think she really
expected to hear that.

1337
01:15:49,588 --> 01:15:51,416
I could see her well
up a little bit.

1338
01:15:51,459 --> 01:15:52,722
She had a little tear coming

1339
01:15:52,765 --> 01:15:56,464
and she shut that
down pretty quickly

1340
01:15:56,508 --> 01:15:59,642
and just basically flipped it
into what can we do for you?

1341
01:15:59,685 --> 01:16:04,690
And I think sort of dealt with
any of her emotional reaction

1342
01:16:04,734 --> 01:16:08,738
or sadness or distress or
disappointment privately.

1343
01:16:08,781 --> 01:16:12,611
So I think she didn't want me
to worry about her feelings

1344
01:16:12,655 --> 01:16:14,700
or comforting her.

1345
01:16:14,744 --> 01:16:19,444
So she, I think she
suppressed her own reaction

1346
01:16:19,487 --> 01:16:21,925
and her own needs so that
she could support me.

1347
01:16:21,968 --> 01:16:25,450
And the other huge support
was a wonderful therapist

1348
01:16:25,493 --> 01:16:29,019
that I had on and off for
20 years, who's now retired.

1349
01:16:29,062 --> 01:16:30,803
And without those two ladies,

1350
01:16:30,847 --> 01:16:32,675
I'm not sure how well
I would have fared.

1351
01:16:32,718 --> 01:16:35,242
- My biggest supporters
during my separation,

1352
01:16:35,286 --> 01:16:37,462
definitely my parents.

1353
01:16:37,505 --> 01:16:38,942
They've bent over backwards,

1354
01:16:38,985 --> 01:16:40,770
especially when I work and that,

1355
01:16:40,813 --> 01:16:42,859
they need to take care of Cole.

1356
01:16:42,902 --> 01:16:47,907
But if I had to say one
person, it would be my dad.

1357
01:16:53,260 --> 01:16:57,525
I call him the basement
lawyer because we meet,

1358
01:16:58,788 --> 01:17:01,617
oh, we meet probably once a
week going over the agreement,

1359
01:17:01,660 --> 01:17:06,622
going over everything,
he's there doing my budget,

1360
01:17:07,840 --> 01:17:12,845
giving me pep talks,
saying, "Be a good mom.

1361
01:17:13,716 --> 01:17:15,631
I'll take care of the rest."

1362
01:17:15,674 --> 01:17:20,461
He's really been there.
And I don't know...

1363
01:17:20,505 --> 01:17:24,640
I don't know where I
would be without him.

1364
01:17:28,078 --> 01:17:33,083
But another person who
really gives me strength

1365
01:17:34,432 --> 01:17:36,173
is a man I've been dating.

1366
01:17:37,696 --> 01:17:38,915
His name is Phil.

1367
01:17:38,958 --> 01:17:42,614
And he's also separated,
actually now divorced.

1368
01:17:42,658 --> 01:17:45,965
And we met each other
at Separation Anonymous.

1369
01:17:46,009 --> 01:17:49,708
We became good friends
and over a period of time,

1370
01:17:49,752 --> 01:17:52,319
there was definitely
an attraction.

1371
01:17:52,363 --> 01:17:54,191
We're both going
through it together.

1372
01:17:57,063 --> 01:18:00,806
I'm a lot more in pain
than he is with his ex.

1373
01:18:02,808 --> 01:18:06,333
But I would say
for the most part,

1374
01:18:08,248 --> 01:18:10,294
Phil has been a god send.

1375
01:18:11,512 --> 01:18:12,600
He's a wonderful man.

1376
01:18:14,124 --> 01:18:17,736
- I think my driving force
and my reason were my kids.

1377
01:18:17,780 --> 01:18:21,871
So they were the
forefront of supporting me

1378
01:18:21,914 --> 01:18:23,437
in ways that they
didn't even know

1379
01:18:23,481 --> 01:18:25,265
or wasn't even intentional.

1380
01:18:25,309 --> 01:18:27,528
- I like to say I have a good
relationship with my mom,

1381
01:18:27,572 --> 01:18:30,053
although I know I'm
lying when I say that.

1382
01:18:31,576 --> 01:18:36,537
I really don't have a good
relationship with her.

1383
01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:39,802
You know, we don't talk
on a daily basis right now

1384
01:18:39,845 --> 01:18:42,892
and it's heartbreaking, but
this is the current situation.

1385
01:18:42,935 --> 01:18:45,851
And it's something that
I would like to work on.

1386
01:18:45,895 --> 01:18:48,332
And I know my mom
definitely would too,

1387
01:18:48,375 --> 01:18:51,030
but I think we still have
a lot of self-healing to do

1388
01:18:51,074 --> 01:18:53,032
on both ends.

1389
01:18:54,512 --> 01:18:56,253
So, the truth,

1390
01:18:56,296 --> 01:18:59,952
I don't think we
have a sufficient
relationship at the time.

1391
01:18:59,996 --> 01:19:02,476
- My father wasn't involved

1392
01:19:02,520 --> 01:19:06,611
with any of the
difficulties I experienced.

1393
01:19:06,654 --> 01:19:09,875
I don't recall a time
when I sat down with him

1394
01:19:09,919 --> 01:19:14,358
or I spoke openly about
what I had experienced.

1395
01:19:19,580 --> 01:19:22,496
But my mother was
always there for me.

1396
01:19:23,846 --> 01:19:25,761
My mother was
always my advocate.

1397
01:19:26,805 --> 01:19:28,851
My mother was always
my sister's advocate

1398
01:19:28,894 --> 01:19:30,461
when she had troubles

1399
01:19:32,550 --> 01:19:37,555
and she always
championed her children.

1400
01:19:42,299 --> 01:19:44,823
And in conversations
that I've had with her,

1401
01:19:48,218 --> 01:19:52,309
that is perhaps where
their marriage first came

1402
01:19:52,352 --> 01:19:56,879
to deteriorate, my
father's lack of action,

1403
01:19:56,922 --> 01:19:59,795
lack of involvement,
lack of concern,

1404
01:20:01,535 --> 01:20:06,279
for this isolation
I experienced.

1405
01:20:07,977 --> 01:20:11,589
For the difficulties I
had with the faculty.

1406
01:20:20,728 --> 01:20:22,426
I've never had a
conversation with him

1407
01:20:22,469 --> 01:20:25,864
about what I experienced,
the bullying I experienced,

1408
01:20:35,918 --> 01:20:37,963
the helplessness I felt.

1409
01:20:42,359 --> 01:20:45,841
And my mother is a
incredibly strong woman.

1410
01:20:48,974 --> 01:20:53,849
And I don't know
what that said to her

1411
01:20:55,938 --> 01:21:00,856
about a man that she loved
failing to rise to the occasion.

1412
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:10,039
- Brennan made that for me,
it says "Love lasts forever."

1413
01:21:10,082 --> 01:21:13,390
- That's nice.
- That must be good.

1414
01:21:16,393 --> 01:21:19,483
- And I can remember
when everything was over

1415
01:21:19,526 --> 01:21:24,531
with regards to Colette and
the success we had

1416
01:21:25,184 --> 01:21:26,838
at the mediation.

1417
01:21:26,882 --> 01:21:30,450
And I knew where everything
was gonna be all right.

1418
01:21:30,494 --> 01:21:33,976
Mind you, her ex dragged
it out another year

1419
01:21:34,019 --> 01:21:35,716
before he finally signed it.

1420
01:21:36,935 --> 01:21:41,418
But Cole was protected.
That was the number one.

1421
01:21:41,461 --> 01:21:44,029
The money is there
for his education.

1422
01:21:45,248 --> 01:21:50,079
And it gives her an opportunity
now to develop a career

1423
01:21:51,384 --> 01:21:55,954
that it won't be money
for the rest of her life,

1424
01:21:55,998 --> 01:22:00,916
but it'll go a long way and
for her to find happiness.

1425
01:22:03,222 --> 01:22:05,964
So do you plan to get married?

1426
01:22:06,008 --> 01:22:08,053
- Yes, I would like
to get married,

1427
01:22:08,097 --> 01:22:09,097
but,

1428
01:22:15,104 --> 01:22:20,109
there's a hesitancy
or reluctance

1429
01:22:20,631 --> 01:22:21,806
because

1430
01:22:32,686 --> 01:22:36,038
I'm afraid of making the
same mistakes my parents did.

1431
01:22:36,081 --> 01:22:37,561
- It's an eye opener
for both of them

1432
01:22:37,604 --> 01:22:39,389
and you can see it
on a daily basis

1433
01:22:39,432 --> 01:22:42,392
that they still live with
that kind of emotion,

1434
01:22:42,435 --> 01:22:47,440
that kind of fear, pain,
anxiety to a degree

1435
01:22:48,659 --> 01:22:49,941
and even the depression,
but they both of them

1436
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:51,531
still face that
on a daily basis.

1437
01:22:51,575 --> 01:22:55,796
And it's a unfortunate aspect,
but it's the reality of it.

1438
01:22:56,667 --> 01:22:58,582
- There's still gonna always be

1439
01:23:00,105 --> 01:23:01,367
an element of disappointment.

1440
01:23:01,411 --> 01:23:04,370
You know, there's still
a cloud hanging over me

1441
01:23:04,414 --> 01:23:09,288
that I got married
and it didn't work out

1442
01:23:09,332 --> 01:23:14,032
and that's not what I ever
wanted my legacy to be,

1443
01:23:14,076 --> 01:23:17,688
that I got separated
or that I failed.

1444
01:23:19,081 --> 01:23:21,518
- My ex is still
controlling my next steps.

1445
01:23:22,693 --> 01:23:26,305
I can't control my life
until this is over.

1446
01:23:26,349 --> 01:23:29,091
And he is still controlling me.

1447
01:23:41,538 --> 01:23:44,758
I wish I could say that
it's over and I'm moving on.

1448
01:23:45,977 --> 01:23:49,633
But in April, my husband
took me back to court,

1449
01:23:49,676 --> 01:23:52,157
I'm happy to say
I got a new job,

1450
01:23:52,201 --> 01:23:54,551
which pays me a lot more money.

1451
01:23:56,074 --> 01:23:59,077
So my career is
moving forward nicely.

1452
01:23:59,121 --> 01:24:01,079
As far as relationships,

1453
01:24:02,254 --> 01:24:04,430
I haven't had any in
four and a half years

1454
01:24:04,474 --> 01:24:07,085
and still none on the horizon.

1455
01:24:07,129 --> 01:24:11,220
I'm healing for sure, but
I'm not totally there.

1456
01:24:11,263 --> 01:24:15,137
I just want to stop fighting
and get on with my life.

1457
01:24:15,180 --> 01:24:17,574
- Well, I've been
divorced for two years.

1458
01:24:17,617 --> 01:24:21,099
Cole is now going into
grade 11. He's thriving.

1459
01:24:21,143 --> 01:24:22,970
He's got lots of friends.

1460
01:24:23,014 --> 01:24:24,320
So if you come by my place,

1461
01:24:24,363 --> 01:24:26,409
you'll hear Beethoven
on the piano

1462
01:24:26,452 --> 01:24:29,586
and a little bit of
AC/DC on the guitar.

1463
01:24:29,629 --> 01:24:30,978
So he loves that,

1464
01:24:31,022 --> 01:24:34,373
he's volunteering to get
his hours to graduate.

1465
01:24:39,639 --> 01:24:42,207
For me, work-wise,
well, I'm a voice actor,

1466
01:24:42,251 --> 01:24:45,210
I wanted to be one in 1995
when I first got married,

1467
01:24:45,254 --> 01:24:47,256
I was told, "You can't do that."

1468
01:24:47,299 --> 01:24:50,520
Well, not only do I have an
agent, going on auditions,

1469
01:24:50,563 --> 01:24:54,132
getting some great gigs, so
that brings in some extra money.

1470
01:24:54,176 --> 01:24:56,221
As far as my personal
life is concerned,

1471
01:24:56,265 --> 01:24:59,877
well, I went last month
with Phil to Paris.

1472
01:24:59,920 --> 01:25:01,792
We went to the top
of the Eiffel tower

1473
01:25:01,835 --> 01:25:05,578
and he proposed, I'm engaged.

1474
01:25:05,622 --> 01:25:07,145
- From a legal point of view,

1475
01:25:07,189 --> 01:25:10,279
my ex-husband and I
have been in on again,

1476
01:25:10,322 --> 01:25:13,499
off again litigation
for the entire 13 years,

1477
01:25:13,543 --> 01:25:16,241
mostly over child
support adjustments.

1478
01:25:16,285 --> 01:25:17,721
After that relationship ended,

1479
01:25:17,764 --> 01:25:21,159
I took a little time for
some self-care and wellness.

1480
01:25:21,203 --> 01:25:22,310
My kids were a little older.

1481
01:25:22,334 --> 01:25:24,249
I had a little
more time to myself

1482
01:25:24,293 --> 01:25:26,686
and to think about
what I really wanted.

1483
01:25:26,730 --> 01:25:30,603
And I got back onto the dating
scene a little while ago

1484
01:25:30,647 --> 01:25:32,257
and have been seeing someone new

1485
01:25:32,301 --> 01:25:35,042
for about the last six months

1486
01:25:35,086 --> 01:25:38,133
and quite happy to see
where things are going

1487
01:25:38,176 --> 01:25:40,744
and feeling like
there's always a light

1488
01:25:40,787 --> 01:25:42,311
at the end of the tunnel.

1489
01:25:42,354 --> 01:25:46,053
And even though things change
and there's ups and downs,

1490
01:25:46,097 --> 01:25:48,969
I've always felt that there's
something to look forward to

1491
01:25:49,013 --> 01:25:50,493
around the next corner.

1492
01:25:50,536 --> 01:25:54,018
- It's just over five years
since I've been separated,

1493
01:25:54,061 --> 01:25:56,803
thankfully things have
settled quite a bit.

1494
01:25:56,847 --> 01:25:59,937
We are co-parenting quite well.

1495
01:25:59,980 --> 01:26:01,634
Friendship is kinda
starting to grow,

1496
01:26:01,678 --> 01:26:03,419
which is really
beneficial for the kids,

1497
01:26:03,462 --> 01:26:07,162
because we're able to really
keep them at our focus

1498
01:26:07,205 --> 01:26:08,598
and our priority.

1499
01:26:08,641 --> 01:26:10,556
I still process the separation.

1500
01:26:10,600 --> 01:26:14,081
And I think that I will probably
for the rest of my life,

1501
01:26:14,125 --> 01:26:15,798
I was supposed to be married
for the rest of my life.

1502
01:26:15,822 --> 01:26:17,520
There's also just
a good surrendering

1503
01:26:17,563 --> 01:26:19,913
that we're both in a
good place right now.

1504
01:26:19,957 --> 01:26:21,219
The kids are happy.

1505
01:26:21,263 --> 01:26:23,308
After my separation,
I went back to school.

1506
01:26:23,352 --> 01:26:25,354
I stayed at home with the
kids for over 10 years.

1507
01:26:25,397 --> 01:26:28,357
So, it was kind of driven
towards more my passion

1508
01:26:28,400 --> 01:26:30,097
and through my dad's death,

1509
01:26:30,141 --> 01:26:33,362
I saw a lot of gaps and
holes in palliative care.

1510
01:26:33,405 --> 01:26:36,321
So I went back to school for PSW

1511
01:26:36,365 --> 01:26:38,541
and end of life practitioner.

1512
01:26:38,584 --> 01:26:41,413
On a casual basis, I take
clients in the end of their life

1513
01:26:41,457 --> 01:26:45,330
and kinda help them navigate
through their final stages.

1514
01:26:45,374 --> 01:26:48,246
Dating wise, I am dating.

1515
01:26:48,290 --> 01:26:53,295
I'm currently in a long
distance romance relationship,

1516
01:26:54,557 --> 01:26:56,230
which, you know, comes with its
challenges and its benefits,

1517
01:26:56,254 --> 01:26:58,213
but it works for us right now.

1518
01:26:58,256 --> 01:27:01,259
And who knows what
the future holds.

1519
01:27:07,526 --> 01:27:12,357
- When I had totally
healed, a colleague and I,

1520
01:27:12,401 --> 01:27:16,492
we formed a support group
for the straight spouses

1521
01:27:16,535 --> 01:27:21,410
of lesbians, gays, bisexuals
and transgendered individuals.

1522
01:27:22,411 --> 01:27:25,240
The majority of my
clients are dealing with

1523
01:27:25,283 --> 01:27:30,245
relationship issues, as well
as individuals or couples

1524
01:27:31,594 --> 01:27:34,771
dealing with sexual
orientation issues.

1525
01:27:34,814 --> 01:27:39,297
I wrote a book, "Annie's Story.

1526
01:27:39,341 --> 01:27:43,083
How to Move Beyond the Pain
of a Spouse's Homosexuality."

1527
01:27:43,127 --> 01:27:48,132
I entered the Global
Changemaker Series Competition.

1528
01:27:49,351 --> 01:27:54,094
I was one of 10 who
was then selected

1529
01:27:55,357 --> 01:27:59,448
to go on stage at Glenn
Gould Studio in Toronto

1530
01:28:00,318 --> 01:28:03,582
and presented my story as well.

1531
01:28:06,019 --> 01:28:09,327
- It's been four years
since my separation

1532
01:28:09,371 --> 01:28:11,895
and I'm now fully divorced.

1533
01:28:11,938 --> 01:28:14,811
We actually had a
very amicable divorce

1534
01:28:14,854 --> 01:28:17,422
and my ex and I have been
on really good terms.

1535
01:28:17,466 --> 01:28:19,337
We're still really good friends.

1536
01:28:19,381 --> 01:28:22,601
We still get together
with family regularly,

1537
01:28:22,645 --> 01:28:24,473
which is really nice.

1538
01:28:24,516 --> 01:28:28,346
As far as work goes,
well, I finished my book.

1539
01:28:28,390 --> 01:28:29,739
I started writing my book

1540
01:28:29,782 --> 01:28:32,089
and then when the
separation started,

1541
01:28:32,132 --> 01:28:35,266
I found it very, very
difficult to continue to write.

1542
01:28:35,310 --> 01:28:38,138
And I had so many friends
tell me, you know,

1543
01:28:38,182 --> 01:28:39,488
this is the time to write.

1544
01:28:39,531 --> 01:28:41,359
This is the time to
get back on track.

1545
01:28:41,403 --> 01:28:42,969
And they really encouraged me.

1546
01:28:43,013 --> 01:28:47,278
And so I did get back on track
and I did launch my book.

1547
01:28:47,322 --> 01:28:48,714
And since then as well,

1548
01:28:48,758 --> 01:28:52,152
I've had lots of
speaking engagements

1549
01:28:52,196 --> 01:28:55,765
and my business has just
been growing ever since.

1550
01:28:55,808 --> 01:28:58,768
So business wise has
actually been booming.

1551
01:28:58,811 --> 01:29:01,727
I have been dating for
the past four years,

1552
01:29:01,771 --> 01:29:06,645
but you know, and that's
been up and down as well.

1553
01:29:06,689 --> 01:29:11,694
I've met some really nice men
and not so nice men.

1554
01:29:12,912 --> 01:29:17,569
And I just figure if
I'm happy with my life

1555
01:29:18,570 --> 01:29:19,852
and everything that's
going on with my life,

1556
01:29:19,876 --> 01:29:21,486
that that's what
is most important.

1557
01:29:21,530 --> 01:29:23,401
And if somebody
special comes along,

1558
01:29:23,445 --> 01:29:26,578
you know that the one
hasn't come along yet.

1559
01:29:26,622 --> 01:29:29,538
But if that person
comes along, great,

1560
01:29:29,581 --> 01:29:32,192
and if they don't,
life as great too,

1561
01:29:32,236 --> 01:29:36,371
and I'm just going to continue
to focus on being happy

1562
01:29:36,414 --> 01:29:41,158
and taking care of my
family and loving what I do.

1563
01:29:43,073 --> 01:29:45,989
- Even though I
went through hell,

1564
01:29:46,032 --> 01:29:47,294
we went through hell,

1565
01:29:47,338 --> 01:29:49,732
my daughter graduated
high school with honors.

1566
01:29:49,775 --> 01:29:53,736
In fact, both her
and my youngest son
graduated with honors.

1567
01:29:53,779 --> 01:29:54,824
At the end of high school,

1568
01:29:54,867 --> 01:29:57,696
she traveled the
world for a year

1569
01:29:57,740 --> 01:30:02,745
and is now studying what
she's passionate about,

1570
01:30:04,747 --> 01:30:06,401
which is Marine biology.

1571
01:30:07,750 --> 01:30:12,494
And my son studied psychology
and is working for his father

1572
01:30:14,974 --> 01:30:17,977
and producing and stay
tuned for his work.

1573
01:30:25,245 --> 01:30:28,510
I was able to save our home,

1574
01:30:29,511 --> 01:30:31,208
thanks to a couple of angels.

1575
01:30:32,688 --> 01:30:33,863
One in particular.

1576
01:30:39,172 --> 01:30:40,172
Thank you.

1577
01:30:44,656 --> 01:30:45,657
Thank you.

1578
01:30:52,621 --> 01:30:55,319
After I managed to
turn things around,

1579
01:30:55,362 --> 01:30:57,408
my children and I
did some traveling

1580
01:30:57,452 --> 01:31:01,499
and we started our
healing process

1581
01:31:01,543 --> 01:31:04,633
during that time of travel.

1582
01:31:04,676 --> 01:31:09,681
And I went back to acting and
produced this documentary.

1583
01:31:11,291 --> 01:31:15,034
This one's for you,
Shane, Skylar and Brennan.

1584
01:31:16,558 --> 01:31:18,168
I love you with all my heart.

1585
01:31:29,092 --> 01:31:30,485
Is that Brennan?

1586
01:31:32,748 --> 01:31:35,141
Hey, look. Look who it is.

1587
01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:47,676
This is the bond voyage.

1588
01:31:55,597 --> 01:31:56,685
Did you have fun today?

1589
01:31:56,728 --> 01:31:58,295
- Yeah.
- How much?

1590
01:31:58,338 --> 01:32:00,689
A lot.